Life Began Anew

Where was I four years ago today? I had a month under my belt of being a single mother of four children. I was still reeling from the blow of betrayal by the person I promised my life to. It was hot, humid...uncomfortable, and I was in labor. I'm not going to give the gory details of birth that women love and men hate, but I will give details of a birth.

Four years ago was the birth of new life. Yes, my baby, Cecelia was born on this day and has since filled my life with constant joy. But I am also talking about the birth of a new life for our family.

The days leading up to Cecelia's birth I was busy with the daily activity of raising four very young children (Samuel had just turned 6 when Cecelia was born) and, while excited for her to come, I wasn't exactly counting down the days because I was still getting our house settled from our move from Reno. All of this was good because it kept me from dwelling on emotions that had the ability to destroy me.

Outwardly, I had it under control...at least I thought I did. Inwardly, I was hurting beyond what I thought was humanly possible. Along with the hurt were feelings of anger, resentment, fear and shame. I was ashamed of what people might think when they'd see a woman with four young kids and a very pregnant belly, but no husband. I was ashamed that I couldn't do more to save my marriage. I was ashamed that my daughter would be born into a household with only one parent.

Those feelings, like the icy Arctic snow, began the slow melting process with Cecelia's summer arrival.

My mother and sisters were my support system. Emily was there with me everyday, to help with the kids, the house, the bills. Tina was there for loving advice and absolutely everything else, and my mom was there to encourage me and help rebuild confidence in myself. It was them that surrounded me at the hospital four years ago.

By the time I called Tina to come and take me to the hospital, she was already on her way. Shortly after us came Emily and my mother. They accompanied me to my room and they welcomed Cecelia into this world. The moment I saw her nothing else mattered. It was her that got me through the next day, the next week, and the next year...until my confidence and self-worth began to come from within once more. God knew I needed her and he gave her the most loving disposition.

By the time my other kids were four, I considered them 'big kids' because there was always at least one that was younger...more needy, but tonight I told Cecelia before she went to sleep, "No matter how old you get, you will always be my baby".  She likes it that way. Of course, I say that to all my kids, but it is especially true with her.

It's hard not to have confidence when you have someone telling you a dozen times a day, "You're so pretty, mom, I love you," even when the bags under my eyes could carry my groceries and my two-days-past-it's-prime hair is out of control. You're so pretty too, baby girl, I love you!

Happy 4th Birthday, Cecelia.

love, mom.