The 'Single' Most Difficult Thing

It's been a long dry spell when it comes to writing posts for this blog. I think it has become stale and may be time to think about doing something new. I've been mulling over in my mind what are the posts that I have gotten the most feedback for, what are the topics that touch the most people? Looking back they are the ones that reveal the most about me. The 'honest-till-it-hurts' type of posts that people really relate to.  Then, I began to think about the reason I started this blog in the first place, a memoir, more or less for my family, friends and especially my children. It became something more than I ever imagined; a little bit of laughter in someone's day, an inspiration to someone who thinks (quite rightly) if she can do it, I can too! And it became something else, my memory.

I will be the first to admit, I have an incredibly horrible memory. The other day I was on the phone with my car insurance and they asked me what my previous address was (the one we only moved from in June) and I couldn't for the life of me remember! The rep asked sheepishly, "You're trying to remember the one you just moved from, right?" To say the least, I was quite frustrated.  So, looking back at the details of things that I have done with the kids, those precious things they might have said, and the way I felt while raising them, to me, is priceless.

This year was a milestone for me. Cecelia turned 7 in August, which means I have been a single mother for seven years. My husband left in our seventh year of marriage. So now I have been a single mother for as long as I was married. The thing that surprises me the most is how fast the last seven years have flown by compared to the seven years prior.

I remember a specific moment when I had maybe two or three kids. A rough day was always made better by the fact that when my husband got home from work, he'd play with the boys for awhile, relieving me of being their sole source of everything! When that time of day came around, I could breathe a sigh of relief, parenting just got easier (at least until the next day). In a conversation about this with my sister, I remember saying to her, "I do NOT know how single mothers do it! It would absolutely be the hardest thing ever." She agreed.

Another memory I can recall was when I had four kids, and one on the way. I was sitting on the couch with my husband right after he told me he was moving out. "How can I raise the kids by myself?!" I said with a fearful heart and tears in my eyes. He tried to assure me I wouldn't have to do it alone, but deep in my soul, I knew he was wrong.

Another conversation comes to mind, this one with God.  The kids were in bed, my husband had moved out. I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom, tears streaming down my face. I was filled with doubt, fear and anger. I doubted my abilities, I feared my future, I was mad at God. I followed the rules of my faith, I had done things right by saving myself for marriage and got married to a Catholic man in the sacramental rite of the Church, why wasn't He saving my marriage!!??

I threw a fit right there on the floor. I pounded the ground with my fist and begged, "Why?! Why?! Why are you allowing this to happen?" Then I looked for comfort from the very God with whom I just doubted. I opened a book that was never far from my bedside, "My Daily Bread". The worn, little, red book has been a spiritual comfort in times good and bad. I did as I usually did, trusting God to move my hands to open to the page I needed to read in that moment. It was Chapter 78, it read:

My Child, believe in Me. Put your trust in My love and mercy. Many a time, when you think that I am far from you, I am very close to you. When you feel as though everything is going wrong, then it is that you can give your best proof of your faith and your loyalty to Me. You are not a failure just because things turn out differently from what you desired. Do not judge things by your disappointment or dislike. Keep discouragement out of your heart, no matter how hopeless matters may appear. Do your best and accept the results as My Will. I am your Maker and your loving God. Your most hidden thoughts are clearly seen by Me. Your eternal salvation is My main interest.....

and the last paragraph I finally understand;

What I do to you is done because I love you far more than you love yourself or anyone else. When I send you any trouble or affliction, do not complain or become sad. Peace and contentment will come to you as soon as it is for your best interests.

It was in reading this, that my conversation with God changed. It went from fighting His will to completely giving in. I flew the white flag of surrender over myself and insisted since this was His will He had to take care of us. I told God specifically, "You are asking this of me, now you have to give me the grace to get through it." I went to bed mentally exhausted that night, but the tides had shifted and I went from being a helpless victim to someone who was going to slowly begin to pick up the shattered pieces of my life and place them together to make a masterpiece mosaic, not by my own skill, but by the skill of the Great Artist.

That's certainly not to say that I didn't "complain or become sad" throughout the process. There were waterfalls of tears along the way. But never once, have I felt like God didn't have my back. Even through some of the most difficult times, I have been given the grace to be able to look back and see the reason behind it all.

So, was I right in thinking years ago that being a single mother would be the most difficult thing? Yes. But it's not as difficult as I imagined, and I don't consider myself single in the term of doing it 'alone'. I know I have the help of family and friends and, most of all, my Heavenly Father who promised He would be 'very close' to me. I feel like the 'peace and contentment' has come to me now in ways I'd never have imagined possible.




Thanks for reading,

Gina.

April's Happiness Project: Part 1

"Nothing is work, unless you'd rather be doing something else."

For the month of April, the Happiness Project focuses on work. I know I'm a little late in posting this since April is halfway over, but I figured better late than never. When I thought about my work life I considered it best to divide it into three categories: my paying job as a Personal Care Aide for Arcadia Health Care, my volunteer job as Kindergarten teacher at St. Mary's Academy and my God-given job as caretaker of my home.

As I read the book (The Happiness Project), much of the focus was on working at what you are passionate about. I dug up old photos of myself working at a job where I was completely passionate about what I was doing. When I worked for the Washington State Department of Natural Resources I can honestly say I was in love with my job. I was passionate about being in the great outdoors, in the wide open spaces, given a job to do but being essentially my own boss. I thrived on the thrill of the unknown. What was going to happen today? Where was I going to be sent now? What beautiful essence of nature was I destined to stumble upon tomorrow?

Although, I loved my job, there was always the unspoken knowledge that it wasn't permanent. In the back of my mind I knew one day I would have a family and this job wouldn't be practical anymore.

Therefore, when I had my first child (actually 8 months previous to that marvelous event) my exciting career as a wild land firefighter ended. My new "career" began. I was a mom. This, I thought, was my life's work. I, as much as my husband, desired for me to stay at home to raise our children. To the outsider, it may have appeared that I had given up my dreams...but to me, they had just begun. I thought I would be a stay-at-home mother until my last child was graduated from high school (because I intended on home-schooling), then I would see the world and retire as the fun grandmother who took her grandchildren on nature hikes and then out to ice cream. Those were my plans. God, however, had other ideas.

When God's plans brought me to a point where I had to look for a job, I had been out of the work place for 8 years. I had an Associates Degree, but no direction. The only thing I looked for in a job was something that had flexible hours, allowed me the most time with my children as possible and didn't require dressing up, selling stuff, driving in rush hour traffic, talking on the phone or cooking greasy food (Lord knows I have a history of burning my own food). That's all! I didn't even begin to know where to look. So I went to school to become a paralegal. Besides, I could have used all the legal help I could get at that point. After three quarters, I realized the future of this job would require long office hours and being a virtual slave to lawyers.  No thanks. So what did I do? I found a job doing what I did best....cleaning house, feeding others, running errands etc, etc. I felt comfortable as a home-caregiver. I was earning an income and didn't have to step out of my comfort zone. But am I passionate about it?

Enjoy These Days, They Go By So Fast!

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time. ~Art Buchwald

 I feel like I am living the days that old women at the grocery store warn me about; the ones that you better enjoy because "they go by so fast".  However, I feel fortunate to recognize that I have entered this season of my life. There are many books on what to do the first years of a child's life; what to feed them, how to dress them, where to take them, what to look for if they are sick. Then, something peculiar happens; those days approach, and time is set to fast forward.

Nobody mentions that some days you won't be able to remember what you did the day before, or that when kids get older you often meet yourself coming back from running them here and there. I remember when my kids were mostly babies, I would think to myself, "I'm never gonna be one of those ultra busy moms who are always rushing kids off here and there and can never keep her house clean." Hahahahahaha! old self you were so naive!

One thing, I've gotten out of my Happiness Project's goals for March (focusing on loving my children), is that it doesn't matter if you are busy. It doesn't matter if the most intimate time you spend with your kids is when you are all in the car together driving to the next destination. The only thing that matters is that in those moments you are in those moments. No that wasn't a typo of duplication, it was an emphasis on living in the here and now.

The most crucial thing I did this month was type my post of March's goals. The simple act of putting it down into a tangible, readable format has profoundly changed my interactions with my kids. I don't have a check and balance system to make sure I am following my goals, but just making them has set the ball in motion. I find myself not thinking anymore about what's next, or what about the past; but rather enjoying the present moment. Whatever that moment presents! If I am at Hunter's baseball practice, you won't find me anymore texting, or checking Facebook on my phone. I'm going to cheer him on, visit with the other parents, and enjoy that I get to sit and hold one (sometimes two or three) of my other kids. If I am at scouts, I will be involved, heart and soul. If I'm driving in the car, I'm going to be having the conversations I don't get to have when we are busy doing other things.

This, I believe, is the key to having no regrets when these days are the bygone days. I may look back and say to my kids' generation, "Enjoy these days, they go by so fast!"; but I will also add with a wink, "I did."

Love to all,

Gina

I'm Happy to Announce....

Gratitude is one of the sweet shortcuts to finding peace of mind and happiness inside. No matter what is going on outside of us, there's always something we could be grateful for.

- Barry Neil Kaufman

Today I am grateful that my children's health is improving, that my brother thinks I am smart enough to proof read his college writing assignments, that we didn't have any extracurricular activities that took us away from home after school/work today, and that Hunter has the greatest baseball coach in the world (at least in my opinion).

My happiness project has been well under way for over a month now. When I began, I promised to return in a month and report on how things are going. I think the thing that has had the greatest influence on this "project" is merely the fact that I choose to be happy. I find Mr. Kaufman's above quote to be right on. If we go looking for happiness, it can be very elusive, but if we choose it, it will be a very willing tenant of our souls.

Allow me to review my goals:

• Go to sleep earlier. Frankly, I havn't. I am still working on this goal, and I tell myself, "You are going to bed by 10 tonight." and then I look at the clock and its well after bedtime. So I have yet to see the fruits of this goal.
• Exercise better. Well...I've got a great routine, and when I do it I am very happy, but the truth is, the couch and a good book  the computer are very enticing. This goal needs work. I figure if I get goal #1 down, this one will be easier.
• Toss, restore, organize. I am proud to announce that although this one is forever on-going, this goal is in the bag. I have been a tossing and organizing fanatic! I feel like things have no hold on me, and at the same time, my personality is beginning to show through in my home.
• Tackle a nagging task. I have been successful in this goal as well. In fact, I love days, like yesterday, when I get so much of the yucky stuff taken care of that I begin to realize it's only yucky stuff when it's stuck on my mind. The actual doing of the tasks isn't bad at all and getting it done leaves me with a definite feeling of happy contentment.

It appears that I am 50% sucessful, but to me I am 100% sucessful because all of these goals are on track to becoming habits. There won't be a point where I can say, 'Okay, I've reached my goal, now I can stop'.

March has a whole new set of 'goals', or habits to acquire. I will post these as I fine tune what they will be, and how I want them to influence my life. February's goals were centered around gaining more energy. One of the best things I've done to gain more energy is cut out sugar.  Those white chocolate mochas I used to crave now make me cringe and I have discovered the God-given greatness of stevia.

Happy days to all,

Gina

P.S. How could I have forgotten to mention one of my biggest sources of happiness this week? Last night while Hunter was having his first baseball practice of the year, my other kids asked Coach Bill if they could play with the hula hoops that were part of his training equipment. He obliged and the four of them each grabbed a hoop and trotted off to the other side of the gym. At first, my attention was on Hunter and what he was doing, but the movements caught my eye and I began to  watch the kids attempting to swing the hoops around their hips..hula style. Samuel was doing pretty well, Isabelle decided to hold the hoop on end and jump through it, Cecelia held it in two hands and wiggled back and forth.....and Ben.....oh Ben! He had the hoop around his waste and he maneuvered it quite well, but the way he moved to make it twirl...well, picture the love child of C3PO and Twyla Tharp...on fast forward.

It was one of those moments where you laugh and other people laugh with you....and then you're still laughing when everyone else stops....and then tears are rolling down your face, and your body is shaking as you try to compose yourself because out of your periferal vision you can see unlaughing people catching sideways glances of you. Yes, that was my highlight so far....and it's only Tuesday. I find myself asking, "What else is in store?" and "Why didn't I have my camcorder?!!"

My Happiness Project: The Little Things

Nine days into my Happiness Project I can honestly say I am a happier person. Let me review my goals:

1. Get more sleep. I can't say that I have been successful at this one yet. I have been going to bed an average of 1 hour earlier than before, but I have been about hour off of my goal of a 10pm bedtime. However, because I have been going to bed one hour earlier than my previous average I think this is an accomplishment in itself. I still have a hard time getting up with my alarm though and 'snooze' is still my friend.
2. Exercise better. I am happy to report I am making headway with this goal. I am still not as consistent as I want to be, but as of right now, every muscle in my body is sore to the core. I have been using the strength exercises of kettle bell with the play cardio of a rebounder (fancy lingo for mini trampoline).
3. Organize. This has been and always will be an ongoing task. I have discovered the joy of keeping a day planner. I have my phone numbers, bills, appointments, menus, and grocery lists all in one place. I have dropped off three huge bags off at the Goodwill, and have one in my room that I keep for whenever I come across something that I don't use, don't like or have to pick up too many times. When this fills up....away it goes!
4. Tackle a nagging task. I have been taking care of those nagging tasks (for me usually phone calls I dread making) as soon as I have the opportunity to do so. This, alone, has given me the biggest boost. In doing so, I have received two $150 refunds having to do with health insurance, I have an important appointment scheduled that I've been trying to get for 6 months, and I have a guy coming to fix our furnace.

All this, plus the fact that God has been smiling on the Pacific Northwest for the past week giving us the most unbelievably beautiful weather anyone can remember, along with the 'little things' are making me incredibly content and joyful.

These are some of the 'little things' that have given me happiness this week:

• I was rushing to get the girls and myself out the door this morning when I realized it was an hour earlier than I thought it was! Therefore, we were completely ready to go with an hour to relax!
• Sunny days in Washington are more beautiful than anywhere in the country. Because of all the rain, the air is clear and crisp and the sunshine is sparkling.
• After they went to bed Sunday night, two of my boys were arguing over who loved me more :)
• My furnace is fixed and since we've been huddling by space heaters for so long I feel like we are living in the lap of luxury.
• I had a great conversation with the old guy who picked me up to bring me to the auto shop to get my van back.
• I got my van back.
• A day after mentioning to my sister that I wanted to get some bunk beds for the girls' room, a friend sent me this text, "Do you know anyone who wants bunk beds?"

That last one was a major 'little thing'.

I have also learned that when you surrender yourself to God's will, he works in marvelous ways. That, I believe, is another key to happiness. Surrender.

Happy days to all,

Gina

Babies make me happy!

My Happiness Project: Groundhogs Day

I have a little crush on the cute white bearded old man who stood behind the Groundhog Club handler in Punxsutawney, Pa this morning. His smile reached from ear to ear and his eyes twinkled like he knew how to squeeze joy out of each and every day. When I am older, I want to have crows feet that will show all who see me that I knew how to live, laugh, and love.

For all who have seen the timeless (ha ha) classic Groundhogs Day with Bill Murray, you know what I mean when I say in the past I have felt like I lived one of those days..."days" really meaning weeks or months where every day feels like the same day, just another date on the calendar. Those days where the minutiae of life seems to hide the passion of life and the doldrums kick in.

Let me tell you about my morning... I woke up to my alarm at 5:50am too tired to get up, because I was forced to break my resolution to get to bed by 10pm. This, being on account of being forced to do having to help my son complete his outline for his science project. He told me it was due today but failed to remember to bring home his library books pertaining to his project...(picture me pulling out my hair and breathing through gritted teeth). Okay, so it wasn't quite his fault that I didn't go to bed on time...I stayed up to watch Biggest Loser after he went to bed. What I learned, though, is that I must be flexible and allow for me time if I am to be happy, no matter how much sleep I don't get.

Back to this morning. After pressing snooze off on my alarm I fell right back into a cozy slumber. At 6:20 I was rudely awoken by Alan Jackson screaming that "she's gone country" all the way from the boys' room. (Luckily, I set their alarm when I tucked them in last night). "Surely, someone will get up to turn that off", I mistakenly thought. Well it got me up, even though the boys were still sound asleep under their blankets.

As they were getting dressed, I made my way to the kitchen to make breakfast. Although my kids would prefer to eat cold cereal every morning of their life, I didn't have any so I thought I'd cook up some bacon, scrambled eggs and toast. Sounded good to me. I got the bacon going in the pan and ran down the hall to ensure the kids were actually moving in the right direction. They weren't, so I had to help speed up the process. Long story short: after several incidences with several kids...I headed back into the kitchen where I had forgotten about the bacon. The kitchen was rapidly filling with thick smoke and breakfast was barely recognizable. On went the fans, open went the doors, out went the pan with charcoal in it. Breakfast, Plan B: eggs and toast. Samuel offered to make the eggs telling me how my grandmother, Nana, taught him how. I was a little hesitant, but desperate for time to make school lunches and get the girls ready to go.

He did an amazing job.

All in all, everyone was ready to go when Aunt Tina's big white bus came to pick them up. The point of all this is although the minutiae of daily life is still there, there is happiness to be found amidst it all. My happiness this morning began with Samuel stepping up to the plate and coming through for me when I really needed him. But it also came from seeing the way Benjamin proudly brushed his in-bad-need-of-a-haircut hair. It was so slicked down with water that it looked glued to his face, but he was so proud of it that I couldn't bear to "fix" it. It is also coming from the sun shining through my window, and the smile on this guys face:

I told you he was cute! My goal today is to find happiness in the little tiny details of life, even the details I might have found annoying, like when Hunter asked, "Aren't we going to have bacon with this?" Yes, dear, if you want it, it's in a greasy pile behind the mailbox.

Happy Groundhogs Day to all, and don't worry, Phil has been wrong in the past....I feel Spring is just around the corner!

Gina.

From Wildfire to Burnt Toast: My Happiness Project

From Wildfire to Burnt Toast: My Happiness Project