Facing the Early July Blues

"Trouble is part of your life. If you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough."  Dinah Shore

My children just got back from a five day vacation over the Fourth of July weekend spent with their dad. I had a lot I wanted to accomplish in those five days even though I had to work three of them. But, as I am well familiar with, the best laid plans are never set in stone.

I enjoyed my holiday at the Tacoma Freedom Fair eating delicious food down by the waterfront on Ruston Way. The atmosphere was upbeat, and the firework show over the water was brilliant! On the surface and even so deep as my conscience thoughts go, I was doing well. Surrounded by great friends, I was smiling. I missed my kids but at the same time, I was happy knowing I wouldn't lose them in the crowd this year (as I did last year!) That was Wednesday.

Thursday I woke up, worked, took myself to the bookstore, met my sister and my mom and dad (who had just returned from a long road trip) at El Toro Mexican restaurant. I was excited to hear all about their adventures that took them from Glacier National Park to Yellowstone National Park to visit my brothers in North Dakota, to Custer's Last Stand and to many more exciting and beautiful gems our great country possesses. Both days, I was surrounded by the people I love....so why did I feel completely alone? I was stress-free, so why was I completely unsettled?

Friday, I spent half the day sleeping and the other half wondering what was on my mind that was causing me to feel that at any moment I could burst into tears. In the afternoon, I went on a motorcycle ride with a dear friend. We stopped for dinner in Orting, WA and walked along the Puyallup River. I had a great time, but still, a nagging unease settled into my heart. I couldn't put it into cohesive thoughts in my own brain, much less try to explain it to someone else, so I stuffed it as far into my subconscious as my conscience would allow, or maybe it was the other way around, I'm not sure. I skipped my Turbo Jam workout that night and went to bed early.

Saturday the 'unease' had reached it's boiling point. It was going to be a productive day of running errands, and getting stuff accomplished and ready for the kids to return on Sunday. Like I've said, best laid plans.....

I picked up my 'Nana' to take her with me on my monthly Costco shopping trip, we took her car because she wanted to get the ding in her windshield fixed (the one that occurred while I was borrowing her car while waiting for mine to get out of the shop this week). On the way, I remembered it was my client's birthday and I wanted to drop off some flowers and a card for her. A quick stop at Safeway and a slight detour seemed to have made her day. So we were off to repair the window. A long story short, we got rear-ended, the importance of fixing the windshield became non-existent, we never made it to any of our planned destinations but despite some slight soreness and stiffness in our backs we thanked God we were okay. We headed back to Nana's house and after getting everything squared away with the insurance company I headed home to take a nap.

The problem was, there was a pit in my stomach that left me with the feeling that something ominous was just around the corner. I was restless, and scared and incredibly sad. I thought hard about why I was feeling like this, but I came up clueless. I figured the accident just gave me a bit of a shock and so I tried to brush it off. In a few hours I would be heading over to friends for a bonfire, food and good company. I looked forward to it, and yet part of me just wanted to sleep....for a really long time.

I forced myself to gather some things and leave the house. Tears swelled in my eyes as I drove the ten minute route that was so familiar I could have done it with my eyes closed (providing there was no traffic). I turned on the radio, but every song... a source of sadness. Within a block, I was trying to clear my sunglasses of a tear-induced fog. What was wrong with me!!?? "I really need to buck up and put myself back together so I won't be such a downer tonight," was all I could think about. I hate having people see me cry, but I realized by the time tears start flowing, they don't stop by choice. A river overflowing it's flood banks cannot be willed to recede unless the root of the problem is fixed. With me, I didn't know what the root of my problem was. How was I going to explain this to my dearest friends when I couldn't explain it to myself?

What I didn't realize at the time, was I didn't have to explain it to my friends. Only Aaron was home when I arrived, tear stained and red-eyed. I tried to act normal and upbeat, but my wall came tumbling down the second he said "How's it goin?" The floodgates were open. There was no going back. My plan to shove it all within me and ignore everything fell to pieces within seconds. Thankfully so. Through the veil of my tears, I managed to help get a fire going in the backyard, and once accomplished we sat down to talk. What I've been racking my brain to pinpoint for the past four days, Aaron did in a matter of minutes.

He pointed out to me that it was this time of year, (four years and six days to be exact), that I was forced to leave the life I'd planned for myself and my family and move my four young children and my pregnant self back to WA state to be near loved ones.....yet without my husband, their father. It was the time of year that my subconscious remembers as being a time of tremendous sorrow and heartbreak. The hot sun, the 4th of July, the smell of barbecues and campfires...all these things I love and look forward to; they are all filed together in my mind with memories of a very difficult time.

This realization was a breath of fresh air! I knew the reason, but still couldn't control the sad way my soul was struggling to deal with memories that I had stuffed into the attic of my subconscious. Emily arrived soon, and after her, my cousin, Jason. Together, these three helped me forget, if only for a short time, the mental burden I was carrying around. We drank, we talked (mostly about our kids, funny how that is) we laughed. My burden was lighter that night, carried not just by me, but with help from those who love me....and it was bearable.

After Mass, the next morning, I spoke to my priest about what was going on. My kids would be home this day and I really needed to be my best self for their sake. He helped me clarify the nature of depression and healthy ways to deal with it; but more than that, he offered encouraging words and gave me hope for getting through this time without burying my thoughts and dealing with them alone.

When I open myself up to the wonderful people God has put in my life, I am amazed at how much love I feel. Instead of making me feel like a burden of a person drowning others in my misery, these people have lifted me up and given me hope in a brighter day that is just around the corner. Life is good, even when life is hard...cherish every moment.

Love to all,

Gina.

Note: I struggled with whether or not to write about this because it is a rather personal matter. But the reason I am doing so, is because my blog, although shared publicly, was originally meant as a memoir for myself and my children in the years to come. Even then, I wavered. Then the thought occurred to me that maybe there is someone out there who can recognize something of themselves in the words herein and gain a general feeling of consolation. That is my hope.