When Christmas Isn't Merry

"Be still and know that I am God."

-Psalm 46:10 

Every even year since 2011 I have woken up on Christmas morning alone, the house quiet. No expected patter of excited young feet or smiles that brighten when they see a tree bedecked with gifts and stocking full of goodies. Some of the things that bring a mother's heart greatest joy have been stripped from me when my husband decided he wanted out of our marriage. I am no longer bitter but the sadness of being away from my kids on this most special day never goes away. Weeks ahead of Christmas, I psyche myself up (and try to help the kids as well) to the fact that our 'Christmas' will still exist, only on a different day. All of them, at one point or another, will ask (if not beg) to be able to be home for Christmas. "We can go to Dad's in the evening," they try to bargain. I do my best to be positive and encouraging, but inward I am thinking the same thing.

By the grace of God, I am able to be strong in front of them, but every year, no matter how strong I feel, the floodgates open as soon as I drop them off. And then they are only a word, a look of understanding, a question away from letting loose again. Today is Christmas Eve. I have been crying on and off all day. I have surrounded myself with people I love, family and friends, but in every quiet moment...tears fall.

I know Christmas is a season. It isn't about one day or stockings full of gifts, it isn't about what we get or even who we are with. It's about Christ. That is what gets me through. Today I had the honor to  vacuum our church to help prepare it for Midnight Mass. I imagined I was sweeping the stable, tidying up to prepare the lowly place for the newborn King.

Tonight I get to pick up my kids and bring them to Mass with me. I get to receive Our Lord in the Holy Eucharist with them by my side. This is Christmas to them, and to me. Tonight my heart will be full as I whisper "Merry Christmas" to my kids as the bell tolls for Mass to begin. Tonight for a few hours, joy will be full. I will focus on the now, and be happy.....

...and then I will drop them back off at their dad's in the middle of the night, and cry the whole way home.

In 2012 I wasn't able to have my kids even at Mass, these five candles were for them.

7 More Weeks!

33 Days to be exact (not including the weekends)...not that anyone is counting. Ok, everyone is counting; students, parents, and teachers alike and probably all for different reasons. And when you are a parent/teacher you are counting doubly, like a couple times a day just to make sure you didn't miscount.  Some parents are counting with apprehension wondering how they will juggle the new summer schedule with their work load, some are counting with joyful anticipation knowing soon they will finally have a more flexible schedule and won't have to pack lunches every day.  I count with a giddy and impatient fervor. With the joy of a parent whose schedule will be freed up to live at our own pace, and begin a summer of new experiences.

I am so blessed to work where I do. To have the same days on and off as my kids (with the exception of Sam) and to be able to enjoy the summer almost as a kid does. I am blessed to work with three nuns who have dedicated their whole lives to the Catholic education of children and who care about them as though they were their own. Three nuns who I am proud to call my dear friends. I am blessed to be able to attend daily Mass and to have my children receive the sacraments with me.

It's easy to get caught up in the tedium of our day to day work and long for the weekend or spring break or summer, but the truth is I have it made. I have to stop every now and then and remind myself of that fact. We went back to school today after a ten day break and even though it was hard (boy was it hard!!) to get out of bed at the crack of dawn, it was great to see my students again and my fellow teachers. In each of them, however, I could sense excitement that we are in the final stretch.

A highlight of my day came when I first got to my classroom and the older sister of one of my First Graders brought me a sugar-free vanilla latte, on it she had written with a Sharpie, '7 more weeks!!☺'
Many times prior the same kids' dad had purchased myself and his daughter's teacher a morning coffee and while it's always such a sweet surprise, several times I had to pass it off to our secretary on account of my sugar-free diet....but not today.  I am thankful.

sometimes we do this for our staff meetings ☺

Finding My Way

"It takes little talent to see what lies under one's nose, a good deal to know in what direction to point that organ." - W.H. Auden

I don't have a GPS gadget in my van, and God thought it would be funny to make me without my internal GPS gadget. It almost goes without saying that, if I am going somewhere, my route takes about 3-4 more turns than the average human being (it's pretty bad when you leave a store at the mall with the intention of going back the way you came, and your four-year-old is more likely to start heading in the right direction than you are).

So, before I left for Spokane, I printed out three sets of directions from Google that went; home to the hotel, hotel to Grandma's house, Grandma's house to the church.  Sometimes, even Google maps make me get lost, however, this time they were successful at getting me from point A to point B.

After waking up early at the hotel, I rounded up the kids and carted them over to their grandmother's house. They were as excited about being there as I was about not having to worry about how they were doing while I was away during the day.

Friday's schedule for the conference started with Mass at 8:15...I arrived at 8:26. After Mass was breakfast and I headed downstairs like a fish out of water. I wandered around having not the slightest idea of what to do or where to go. It never felt so good to see the familiar faces of other participating members from our parish in Tacoma.

The talks were informative and uplifting and strengthened my Catholic faith in a deep way. I met many new people that I know I will most likely see next year, and with whom I will continue to build upon the bond that is there when something as significant as faith is shared. The highlight of the event was the candlelit Rosary walk. With a statue of Our Lady of Fatima held high, the faithful lined up before and after her with candles held in a specially made wind guard that had on it the verses of the song we sang at the end of each decade of the Rosary. Most of us had to have our candles re-lit as the wind kicked up pretty hard. When the procession came to an end, we gathered in the church where the young girls proceeded to bring bouquets of flowers to Mary's shrine.

Afterward, when the evenings events were over and most people had dispersed, I knelt down before the shrine to have a heart to heart with our Blessed Mother. I don't know why, but even having been a wife and mother myself, I've always had a hard time going to our Lady in prayer as most Catholics naturally do. I have wanted to have a devotion to her, as I see the logic in going to God's Mother to ask for her loving intercession, after all, from the cross, Jesus gave her to all of us to be our own spiritual Mother, as He gave us to her.

In my prayer, I told her that if she wanted me to have a greater devotion to her, show me the way. I told her I was sorry that I didn't try harder in the past, and I asked her for a second chance. In the midst of my prayer, I felt comforted, and tears swelled in my eyes. The only other person in the church was a young nun that I didn't know very well. She was kneeling in silent prayer. After a few moments she got up from her position a few pews behind me, went up to the shrine and took a beautiful pink rose from one of the vases that were just recently filled with the fragrant buds. I wondered in my mind what she was doing, thinking she was going to place it in front of another shrine in the church. She walked toward me and asked me, "It's Gina, right?" I replied almost as a question, "Yes." "This is from Mary." she said, handing me the rose.... I was floored.

Without thinking, I said incredulously, "Why did you just say that?!"

"Because it's okay. It's going to be fine." she answered as she hugged me and walked out of the chapel. Tears flowed freely now. I was overwhelmed by the love of my Mother. I understood that she was showing me the direction to her Son, and it was through Her. I certainly don't have to give up my relationship with Jesus by having a devotion to His Mother, that relationship will grow by the guidance of the one who loved Him best.

Most likely, I will continue to get lost trying to get from Point A to Point B, but getting to the Sacred Heart of Jesus is a straight path...directly through the Immaculate Heart of His Mother.


Our Lady of Fatima, pray for us.