Solitude vs. Loneliness

There are quotes a plenty on solitude, most of which I agree with, but this one rings especially true to me right now. I am making a conscience effort to keep the TV off today, to quit mindless social media scrolling and to focus on what is around me. Small pleasures I frequently lose sight of in the frenzy of the work week and weekend activities are revealing themselves to me in every hour of solitude that I find myself in. 

My kids are at their dad's this weekend and at first I found myself at a loss for what to do. Once the household chores were done I realized I was literally walking mindless circles throughout the house...with our cocker spaniel, Jenny, following my every step. The seemingly constant drizzle is keeping me from yard work which I would love to be doing right now, but being housebound in the rain isn't so bad. 

I find that having a cup of coffee is an actual activity, and one that brings great satisfaction. From grinding the beans, to pouring the hot water over the fragrant grounds, to sipping from my favorite mug as I stare outside our large floor-to-ceiling window that looks over the neighborhood. I understand why this is a favorite pastime of Jenny...staring out the window. Wow, after reading that paragraph, I feel like I must be 87 years old inside!!

After coffee, I made my way back into the kitchen to bake some of my favorite cinnamon scones. I found myself enjoying the whole process of baking rather than it merely being a means to a delicious end. Carefully measuring ingredient after ingredient, melting butter, lightly beating the egg, smelling the cinnamon and vanilla before adding them..it was all as therapeutic as eating comfort foods can be. So by now, I have decided I must be a grandma!

But then...

I turned on the music while the scones baked. My living room became a dance floor and I was the only one on earth. I was brought back to my younger teen years when my parents would play their music loudly and we'd plug in the strobe light (seriously, who owns a strobe light?). We would dance in our small living room like it were a night club playing all the greats from the classic rock era. During one specific New Years Eve at home a group of people showed up at our door asking if this was the party they were looking for. We said no, but you can join us. They didn't.

As I danced amidst Jenny's non-judging audience I vowed to myself, the next essential trip I make will involve finding a strobe light. Then I realized I wasn't 87 years old inside, I was only thirteen!

In all seriousness though, what must be true is in the latter years of life, as well as in the early years, life's small pleasures are enjoyed to the fullest for the moment they grace. I think in the middle years, the productive, busy ones, we tend to lose sight of what makes life truly enjoyable. We are a world forced to slow down and take stock of what is important right now. I pray we never go back to normal, but that our new normal is will be one marked by gratitude for what we have,  love of stillness and especially deep-seated appreciation for those we love.

One Week In...

One week into the governor's imposed "self-quarentine" and we haven't killed each other yet. Today we got the news that we have 48 hours until a strict 'stay-at-home' directive is in place in Washington State. I don't really know how that will change things beyond what we are already doing (no school/work, non-essential medical procedures cancelled, no social life whatsoever).

Two days before the toilet paper craziness began, I purchased TP from Costco because we were down to two rolls. I never felt the frenzy urgency to buy it, but now, just the idea of possibly running out is gnawing at the back of my mind. On a positive note four bags of my favorite coffee arrived in the mail today, so my kids are safe!

The past week has taught me not to take ANYTHING for granted. One day you are greeting your little students first thing in the morning with a smile and a hug, the next day you are told not to hug anyone! This is torture for me. I come from a long line of huggers. From my immediate family, including my Nana to my Aunts, Uncles, cousins, Great-Aunts, Great-Uncles, third cousins you rarely see, cousin-in-laws, friends that are like family, friends of friends, people you see on the regular, I hug them all! Now, to simply walk away with a smile and a nod is just so against my MO. Here's an interesting fact about me though, if you know anything about the five love languages...mine is definitely NOT affection. I can't explain the hug thing...but it is what it is.

I went to the grocery store today to get eggs because I started making cinnamon scones when I realized I was out. I was saddened by the atmosphere in the store. People seemed to fear one another, nobody made eye contact anymore and they were careful to keep their distance (which is good at this time, don't get me wrong). But the palpable vibe of fear was what worried me, everyone seemed to look at one another in a skeptical way. I long for the days when life goes back to normal.

One rule I've had to implement for the kids is, 'You get three meals and an afternoon snack a day, that's it.' If I didn't, their five mouths would eat through our food supply like hungry termites in a rotting woodpile. That being said, I still feel like my days go like this: wake up, make coffee (everyone makes their own breakfast), clean the kitchen, do something for awhile, make lunch, clean the kitchen,  say 'no' to more food, do something else, tell the kids what they may have for snack, do something or take a nap, make dinner, clean the kitchen again, do a few things, pray the Rosary, go to bed...wake up, repeat.

Is it bad that I want to be called out on a search? It would provide me a chance to see my ESAR family whom I miss.

Here's to good health everybody!

Goodnight.

Hang in there, we are all in this together...