Solitude vs. Loneliness

There are quotes a plenty on solitude, most of which I agree with, but this one rings especially true to me right now. I am making a conscience effort to keep the TV off today, to quit mindless social media scrolling and to focus on what is around me. Small pleasures I frequently lose sight of in the frenzy of the work week and weekend activities are revealing themselves to me in every hour of solitude that I find myself in. 

My kids are at their dad's this weekend and at first I found myself at a loss for what to do. Once the household chores were done I realized I was literally walking mindless circles throughout the house...with our cocker spaniel, Jenny, following my every step. The seemingly constant drizzle is keeping me from yard work which I would love to be doing right now, but being housebound in the rain isn't so bad. 

I find that having a cup of coffee is an actual activity, and one that brings great satisfaction. From grinding the beans, to pouring the hot water over the fragrant grounds, to sipping from my favorite mug as I stare outside our large floor-to-ceiling window that looks over the neighborhood. I understand why this is a favorite pastime of Jenny...staring out the window. Wow, after reading that paragraph, I feel like I must be 87 years old inside!!

After coffee, I made my way back into the kitchen to bake some of my favorite cinnamon scones. I found myself enjoying the whole process of baking rather than it merely being a means to a delicious end. Carefully measuring ingredient after ingredient, melting butter, lightly beating the egg, smelling the cinnamon and vanilla before adding them..it was all as therapeutic as eating comfort foods can be. So by now, I have decided I must be a grandma!

But then...

I turned on the music while the scones baked. My living room became a dance floor and I was the only one on earth. I was brought back to my younger teen years when my parents would play their music loudly and we'd plug in the strobe light (seriously, who owns a strobe light?). We would dance in our small living room like it were a night club playing all the greats from the classic rock era. During one specific New Years Eve at home a group of people showed up at our door asking if this was the party they were looking for. We said no, but you can join us. They didn't.

As I danced amidst Jenny's non-judging audience I vowed to myself, the next essential trip I make will involve finding a strobe light. Then I realized I wasn't 87 years old inside, I was only thirteen!

In all seriousness though, what must be true is in the latter years of life, as well as in the early years, life's small pleasures are enjoyed to the fullest for the moment they grace. I think in the middle years, the productive, busy ones, we tend to lose sight of what makes life truly enjoyable. We are a world forced to slow down and take stock of what is important right now. I pray we never go back to normal, but that our new normal is will be one marked by gratitude for what we have,  love of stillness and especially deep-seated appreciation for those we love.

One Week In...

One week into the governor's imposed "self-quarentine" and we haven't killed each other yet. Today we got the news that we have 48 hours until a strict 'stay-at-home' directive is in place in Washington State. I don't really know how that will change things beyond what we are already doing (no school/work, non-essential medical procedures cancelled, no social life whatsoever).

Two days before the toilet paper craziness began, I purchased TP from Costco because we were down to two rolls. I never felt the frenzy urgency to buy it, but now, just the idea of possibly running out is gnawing at the back of my mind. On a positive note four bags of my favorite coffee arrived in the mail today, so my kids are safe!

The past week has taught me not to take ANYTHING for granted. One day you are greeting your little students first thing in the morning with a smile and a hug, the next day you are told not to hug anyone! This is torture for me. I come from a long line of huggers. From my immediate family, including my Nana to my Aunts, Uncles, cousins, Great-Aunts, Great-Uncles, third cousins you rarely see, cousin-in-laws, friends that are like family, friends of friends, people you see on the regular, I hug them all! Now, to simply walk away with a smile and a nod is just so against my MO. Here's an interesting fact about me though, if you know anything about the five love languages...mine is definitely NOT affection. I can't explain the hug thing...but it is what it is.

I went to the grocery store today to get eggs because I started making cinnamon scones when I realized I was out. I was saddened by the atmosphere in the store. People seemed to fear one another, nobody made eye contact anymore and they were careful to keep their distance (which is good at this time, don't get me wrong). But the palpable vibe of fear was what worried me, everyone seemed to look at one another in a skeptical way. I long for the days when life goes back to normal.

One rule I've had to implement for the kids is, 'You get three meals and an afternoon snack a day, that's it.' If I didn't, their five mouths would eat through our food supply like hungry termites in a rotting woodpile. That being said, I still feel like my days go like this: wake up, make coffee (everyone makes their own breakfast), clean the kitchen, do something for awhile, make lunch, clean the kitchen,  say 'no' to more food, do something else, tell the kids what they may have for snack, do something or take a nap, make dinner, clean the kitchen again, do a few things, pray the Rosary, go to bed...wake up, repeat.

Is it bad that I want to be called out on a search? It would provide me a chance to see my ESAR family whom I miss.

Here's to good health everybody!

Goodnight.

Hang in there, we are all in this together...

Day 3: Work, Stewart's and Not-so Social Distancing in the Out of Doors.

It was day three of this no school/work ordeal and I must say, I am really enjoying it! I got up at my own leisure today, showered and arrived at Mass for St. Joseph's feast day by 9 am. Technically, there was to be no public Mass, but I have an 'in' with my amazing co-workers and knew the 9 o'clock Mass, though not public, was still being offered. Several other parishioners wishing to give honor to St. Joseph also showed up, and the Sisters sang a beautiful High Mass.

Afterward, I head downstairs to my classroom and prepared the lessons for this coming week. Fridays our parents are to stop by to drop off completed assignments and pick up new ones, in this way we are able to continue the curriculum and finish school on the planned date of May 28th.

When my work was done, I thought I'd better stop at the store to stock up on more food, in case, for whatever reason, it becomes more difficult later on. One thought entered my mind and from that moment on, I was obsessed with a craving: Stewart Meats beef jerky and landjaegers. Of course, being that it is Lent and we only eat meat at the main meal...I can't describe my trip there as instant gratification, more like prolonged torture of the senses. Before I opened the old wooden swinging door I could smell the smoked meats and my mouth began to water. The place was packed. Nobody seemed very concerned about social distancing in that tiny meat deli with the rustic wood floors. People were talking about it, but there were smiles all around.

I pulled a number and waited for it to be called, "58...59...60?" "HERE!"

"I'll take 8lb. of ground beef, 4lb. of bacon, cheddar burger meat, 10 smoked pork chops, 3lb. steaks, 1 lb. each of Peppered, Old Fashioned and Famous beef jerky, 10 landjaegers, .5 lb. of smoked cheddar, 3 andouille sausages, one summer sausage, a small thing of smoked salmon and a pig ear for my dog please?" After I ordered I wondered if I sounded like I was preparing for the apocalypse. If I did, no shame, I will go down barbecuing!

 "Sure! We'll have that right out!" she said it with a smile and not an ounce of judgement. I liked that gal. Her idea of 'right out,' however, and mine were quite different, but I didn't mind waiting and people-watching for the while it took her and the young man she was training to fulfill my order. From my place in the corner, I could eavesdrop quite well. The two men in front of me who struck up a conversation had both ended up travelling quite a distance just to buy their meat at the shop. Once came from near Oregon and the other from Silverdale, WA over an hour and a half away.

A woman came in and ordered all the remaining landjaegers on the tray..this had me panicking a little that her order would be filled before they had a chance to package the ones I ordered. It ended up being an unfounded fear, however, as unlike toilet paper these days, an entire new tray took its place within minutes.

I always leave Stewart Meats with a smile as I carry my heavy, paper bag filled with neatly packaged white-paper wrapped meat back to my van. I pulled out the salmon and cheese to eat on the way home...the beef jerky and landjeger would have to wait for dinner. (side note: I ended up having my main meat meal at Chick Fil A after leaving the park and still haven't satisfied my dang craving, which will now have to wait until dinner tomorrow!)

Once home, my kids hounded me for the landjaegers and beef jerky and they, being under 21 and not bound to follow the Lenten fast yet, proceeded to enjoy them in front of me (one day when they are in their prime, I will be too old to fast...insert evil laugh!)

When the original looks better than any filter.

We waded, more like trudged through the school work they were supposed to have done while I was gone and then took in some fresh air at Chambers Bay park...with hundreds of others who had the same idea. It was so crowded, we could barely find a spot to park. I've seen it crowded like this in the summer, but never this early in the year! With movie theaters, restaurants and gyms all shut down, the outdoors seem like the last place to enjoy yourself with friends. I've seen people be of the mind that "Stay home, means stay home! Don't leave the house," but I believe that fresh air and sunshine are part of the cure. Do what makes you happy healthy!

those colors!!

Jenny did well off leash today!

Day 2: COVID-19 Self "Quarentine"

What an ugly blog post title!

Anyway, I have a less demanding schedule these days and the desire to write is coming back. In June the kids and I will have our 5th anniversary of living in the house we are in. Five years is the longest we've lived anywhere! When we first moved up here we were blessed by good friends who let me rent one of their rentals for dirt cheap. It was a difficult time, but that little, tiny house located in a very "iffy" neighborhood is so precious to me because it is where I brought home the baby of our family. It is also where I spent those priceless years with my kids when they were so little and loving and...cute! It's hard to believe how fast time really does fly. After five years of living there we transitioned into a nice house with a big yard and lived there with my parents for two years. That place, also, holds precious memories of my kids surrounding my dad as he read them stories before bed, my mom making all of us pancakes for breakfast and being so close to my Nana that we could walk and visit her anytime.

But the time for me to find a respectable house for myself and my kids had come again. My folks were moving back into their home and our landlord wanted to sell. I looked on various online home rental sites and found one that I was interested in. I set up an appointment with the realtor to go check it out. It turned out to be an old turn-of-the-century (or even older!) home. Its exterior was built with stone and the interior had all kinds of interesting and unique built-in nooks and crannies. There was one room that interested me because to enter it you had to climb into it as the door to the room was a good 2-3 feet off the ground! Yet, this room wasn't hidden away, it was right next to the kitchen. We continued to see the rest of the house and finally I asked the realtor what was the purpose of that one room? "Do you really want to know?" was her response. Umm, ya, now more than ever! She told me it was the quarantine room for those afflicted with tuberculosis. There was a window very high in the room so that family could look down from the upstairs to make sure they were ok, but otherwise, usually the afflicted would go in there to die. So, I never went back.

I think about that house now and what a nice bed and breakfast I could have made out of it for anyone afflicted with COVID-19. I also think about how we are living in historical times. When my oldest looks back on the year he graduated high school, he will more likely remember how he barely attended his third trimester and all anyone talked about was the Coronavirus, rather than the celebrations and transition into adulthood. I read something the other day that said those graduating this year were born in a world recently affected by the events of 9/11 and will be graduating in the year of a pandemic. I believe they will be strong. They will affect the world in their own way.

Soooo, we are in day two of our self-quarantined, homeschool adventure. The first day was St. Patrick's Day and we enjoyed a delicious meal at home with our priest and good friend as our honored guest. I was happy to have all my kids home, safe and healthy. Today I needed to get out and take in some of that beautiful sunshine that has been gracing the PNW. So I decided we were going hiking.

Fun-ish notes about the day: I had an Irish Coffee at 9 am... just checking, but that's kind of like drinking a mimosa, right? One of those alcoholic drinks totally acceptable to drink first thing in the morning? Mmkay, good.

Second fun-ish note: I had the wind knocked out of me today! It was only witnessed by my 6 year old niece, myself and the ball of fur and muscle that is my brother's black American pit-bull who happened to be the culprit. As I approached the back yard deck all of a sudden I felt my legs lift up from under me and I landed with a thud flat on my back on a pile of gravel. For a few seconds, I didn't even know what happened! I stood up, kind of ticked off and wanting to cry, then I was just upset that it wasn't caught on video to share with all of you and maybe win $100,000 on America's Funniest Home Videos.

We hiked 2 vertical miles today at Mt. Peak. The mile up took us 45 min. That will be the time to beat next week. When I used to have to climb that peak for PT while I worked on a DNR Wildland Firefighting crew we'd have to do it in 28 minutes. That is my goal.

Other than that, schooling went well...there was some whining, some bribing, some slamming books, so, you know, nothing out of the ordinary.  Healthy days to all! Goodnight.

A New Direction?

There are people in my life that worry not only about tomorrow, but next week, next month, the next hour...but, somehow, I missed that gene. It's not to say I have nothing to worry about, but simply that my brain is such that I must compartmentalize by the moment. I don't think too far into the future. I don't like to make plans too far in advance, and I can't focus too heavily on something if there is something else that needs to be taken care of first. I am neither advocating nor ashamed of this mindset. It seems to be a mix of trusting in God and procrastination, both positive and negative. 

As a working mom in the midst of raising teens, I am discovering more and more that this might be considered by some, survival mode. I rarely make plans with friends because something might "come up" that I will need to attend to. I am much better at spontaneous and spur of the moment plans because I can determine right there and then if my absence would jive with everyone in the household. Is this normal? I don't know, it's my normal.

To mom's of teens, does this sound familiar? Opposite of your life? Let me know in the comments how life with teens affects your planning, social life, sense of self.

Also, to those of you who have enjoyed reading this blog, what are some things you would like to see more of? What topics are of interest to you? I think a question answering post would be fun, what would you like to know about my life? Ask, and I'll answer.