Day.....Forever Ago

I've lost track of how many days into this Stay at Home order we are in. I feel blessed, antsy, content, irritated, happy, sad, amused and bored all within a days time. On one hand, I don't have to get up on time and get the kids out the door and teach when I'm not in the mood, but on the other hand...I miss my students. I miss routine and being around other adults. I miss being able to go to Mass normally on Sunday or any other day of the week. I miss friends, family, hiking, normalcy!!! 

I have finally settled into a routine for teaching. Every other Friday I go to my classroom and prepare my students two weeks worth of schoolwork. I set out the packets for each student on their desks and a well prepared schedule/agenda to go with it. Every Tuesday I Zoom (is that a verb now?) with my First Graders and we have an hour long writing class. Fridays I Zoom with all my students for story time, to keep in touch with everyone and give them a chance to connect with their friends. This is the ideal goal....

However,

I have a student who I haven't heard hyde nor hair of since the beginning of the apocalypse and his work sits on his desk just waiting by its lonesome to get picked up. My first Zoom class was basically trying to figure out the ins and outs of leading a class that way and my second one was me reading a story while half of my students (and their siblings 😊) giggled while making faces at each other. I cracked up a little myself as the whole thing was just so surreal. I tried to channel my six year old self from the early 1980's envisioning story time with my teacher on a live computer screen. If someone told me then, that that is how school would be in the year 2020, I would have thought it was just an unlikely scene from Back to the Future.

Next time I am going to tell the kids to bring their drinks, call it "Capri Sun Hour" tell everyone "Cheers!" as I hold up my own:

https://www.facebook.com/pg/The-Brass-Lantern-115804898448954/about/?ref=page_internal

Really, though, seeing all of their sweet faces made me miss them terribly.

On the home front schooling is like me asking my kids if they've brushed their teeth: they say yes, I say smile, they do, I say BS go brush them!! Where did I go wrong?! Can I rent an Asian mom who can "motivate" my kids to be self-starting A+ earning, musical instrument playing students for another month? (sorry for the stereotyping, but seriously!!)

I did, however, educate them on the importance of knowing their rights and how to make their voices heard when they feel their freedoms being trampled upon:

Washington State Capitol 4/19/20

...And then I educated them on how to handle backlash from people who think differently than they.

Late night dinner and
break from moving.

Thursday evening at 7:30 pm, the boys got the notion to switch bedrooms with the girls. They were convinced it was a good idea and that it had to be done right THEN. I sat back and said, "Ok, if you don't want to wait until tomorrow, you are going to do it all by yourselves then because I'm tired!" So they began....

At 1:30 AM I tightened the last bolt on the fourth bed that had to be taken apart and put back together. 

To their credit, they did most of it. I just had to lend a hand to speed things up so I could get to sleep.

With many of Sam's Senior year's momentous events cancelled his stepmom has decided to throw a "Prom" at their house. So Sam was intent on doing a "Promposal". I guess the invite is as important as the prom itself these days (maybe it always was?). That boy ordered some candles and light up balloons on Amazon and made a trip to Walmart for sign making materials and got to work! He devised a plan and worked it all out with his girlfriend's mom. I drove him to the dock down the road from her house, helped him decorate and waited for nightfall. It was pretty adorable.

I'm thinking his marriage proposal is going to be
one heck of an event!

She said "Yes!"

The week ended with dinner and game night with the girls and a good friend. This week began today with going to a Mass offered privately by our priest. I can say I am truly blessed. Writing about a week that seemed monotonous and lazy makes me recognize that it was actually full of grand moments, moments that I might not have treasured if we were still living the 'old normal'. I still long for normalcy but vow not to let the day-to-day blur my vision and make me blind to the small but grand moments that make up life.

Solitude vs. Loneliness

There are quotes a plenty on solitude, most of which I agree with, but this one rings especially true to me right now. I am making a conscience effort to keep the TV off today, to quit mindless social media scrolling and to focus on what is around me. Small pleasures I frequently lose sight of in the frenzy of the work week and weekend activities are revealing themselves to me in every hour of solitude that I find myself in. 

My kids are at their dad's this weekend and at first I found myself at a loss for what to do. Once the household chores were done I realized I was literally walking mindless circles throughout the house...with our cocker spaniel, Jenny, following my every step. The seemingly constant drizzle is keeping me from yard work which I would love to be doing right now, but being housebound in the rain isn't so bad. 

I find that having a cup of coffee is an actual activity, and one that brings great satisfaction. From grinding the beans, to pouring the hot water over the fragrant grounds, to sipping from my favorite mug as I stare outside our large floor-to-ceiling window that looks over the neighborhood. I understand why this is a favorite pastime of Jenny...staring out the window. Wow, after reading that paragraph, I feel like I must be 87 years old inside!!

After coffee, I made my way back into the kitchen to bake some of my favorite cinnamon scones. I found myself enjoying the whole process of baking rather than it merely being a means to a delicious end. Carefully measuring ingredient after ingredient, melting butter, lightly beating the egg, smelling the cinnamon and vanilla before adding them..it was all as therapeutic as eating comfort foods can be. So by now, I have decided I must be a grandma!

But then...

I turned on the music while the scones baked. My living room became a dance floor and I was the only one on earth. I was brought back to my younger teen years when my parents would play their music loudly and we'd plug in the strobe light (seriously, who owns a strobe light?). We would dance in our small living room like it were a night club playing all the greats from the classic rock era. During one specific New Years Eve at home a group of people showed up at our door asking if this was the party they were looking for. We said no, but you can join us. They didn't.

As I danced amidst Jenny's non-judging audience I vowed to myself, the next essential trip I make will involve finding a strobe light. Then I realized I wasn't 87 years old inside, I was only thirteen!

In all seriousness though, what must be true is in the latter years of life, as well as in the early years, life's small pleasures are enjoyed to the fullest for the moment they grace. I think in the middle years, the productive, busy ones, we tend to lose sight of what makes life truly enjoyable. We are a world forced to slow down and take stock of what is important right now. I pray we never go back to normal, but that our new normal is will be one marked by gratitude for what we have,  love of stillness and especially deep-seated appreciation for those we love.

One Week In...

One week into the governor's imposed "self-quarentine" and we haven't killed each other yet. Today we got the news that we have 48 hours until a strict 'stay-at-home' directive is in place in Washington State. I don't really know how that will change things beyond what we are already doing (no school/work, non-essential medical procedures cancelled, no social life whatsoever).

Two days before the toilet paper craziness began, I purchased TP from Costco because we were down to two rolls. I never felt the frenzy urgency to buy it, but now, just the idea of possibly running out is gnawing at the back of my mind. On a positive note four bags of my favorite coffee arrived in the mail today, so my kids are safe!

The past week has taught me not to take ANYTHING for granted. One day you are greeting your little students first thing in the morning with a smile and a hug, the next day you are told not to hug anyone! This is torture for me. I come from a long line of huggers. From my immediate family, including my Nana to my Aunts, Uncles, cousins, Great-Aunts, Great-Uncles, third cousins you rarely see, cousin-in-laws, friends that are like family, friends of friends, people you see on the regular, I hug them all! Now, to simply walk away with a smile and a nod is just so against my MO. Here's an interesting fact about me though, if you know anything about the five love languages...mine is definitely NOT affection. I can't explain the hug thing...but it is what it is.

I went to the grocery store today to get eggs because I started making cinnamon scones when I realized I was out. I was saddened by the atmosphere in the store. People seemed to fear one another, nobody made eye contact anymore and they were careful to keep their distance (which is good at this time, don't get me wrong). But the palpable vibe of fear was what worried me, everyone seemed to look at one another in a skeptical way. I long for the days when life goes back to normal.

One rule I've had to implement for the kids is, 'You get three meals and an afternoon snack a day, that's it.' If I didn't, their five mouths would eat through our food supply like hungry termites in a rotting woodpile. That being said, I still feel like my days go like this: wake up, make coffee (everyone makes their own breakfast), clean the kitchen, do something for awhile, make lunch, clean the kitchen,  say 'no' to more food, do something else, tell the kids what they may have for snack, do something or take a nap, make dinner, clean the kitchen again, do a few things, pray the Rosary, go to bed...wake up, repeat.

Is it bad that I want to be called out on a search? It would provide me a chance to see my ESAR family whom I miss.

Here's to good health everybody!

Goodnight.

Hang in there, we are all in this together...

Day 3: Work, Stewart's and Not-so Social Distancing in the Out of Doors.

It was day three of this no school/work ordeal and I must say, I am really enjoying it! I got up at my own leisure today, showered and arrived at Mass for St. Joseph's feast day by 9 am. Technically, there was to be no public Mass, but I have an 'in' with my amazing co-workers and knew the 9 o'clock Mass, though not public, was still being offered. Several other parishioners wishing to give honor to St. Joseph also showed up, and the Sisters sang a beautiful High Mass.

Afterward, I head downstairs to my classroom and prepared the lessons for this coming week. Fridays our parents are to stop by to drop off completed assignments and pick up new ones, in this way we are able to continue the curriculum and finish school on the planned date of May 28th.

When my work was done, I thought I'd better stop at the store to stock up on more food, in case, for whatever reason, it becomes more difficult later on. One thought entered my mind and from that moment on, I was obsessed with a craving: Stewart Meats beef jerky and landjaegers. Of course, being that it is Lent and we only eat meat at the main meal...I can't describe my trip there as instant gratification, more like prolonged torture of the senses. Before I opened the old wooden swinging door I could smell the smoked meats and my mouth began to water. The place was packed. Nobody seemed very concerned about social distancing in that tiny meat deli with the rustic wood floors. People were talking about it, but there were smiles all around.

I pulled a number and waited for it to be called, "58...59...60?" "HERE!"

"I'll take 8lb. of ground beef, 4lb. of bacon, cheddar burger meat, 10 smoked pork chops, 3lb. steaks, 1 lb. each of Peppered, Old Fashioned and Famous beef jerky, 10 landjaegers, .5 lb. of smoked cheddar, 3 andouille sausages, one summer sausage, a small thing of smoked salmon and a pig ear for my dog please?" After I ordered I wondered if I sounded like I was preparing for the apocalypse. If I did, no shame, I will go down barbecuing!

 "Sure! We'll have that right out!" she said it with a smile and not an ounce of judgement. I liked that gal. Her idea of 'right out,' however, and mine were quite different, but I didn't mind waiting and people-watching for the while it took her and the young man she was training to fulfill my order. From my place in the corner, I could eavesdrop quite well. The two men in front of me who struck up a conversation had both ended up travelling quite a distance just to buy their meat at the shop. Once came from near Oregon and the other from Silverdale, WA over an hour and a half away.

A woman came in and ordered all the remaining landjaegers on the tray..this had me panicking a little that her order would be filled before they had a chance to package the ones I ordered. It ended up being an unfounded fear, however, as unlike toilet paper these days, an entire new tray took its place within minutes.

I always leave Stewart Meats with a smile as I carry my heavy, paper bag filled with neatly packaged white-paper wrapped meat back to my van. I pulled out the salmon and cheese to eat on the way home...the beef jerky and landjeger would have to wait for dinner. (side note: I ended up having my main meat meal at Chick Fil A after leaving the park and still haven't satisfied my dang craving, which will now have to wait until dinner tomorrow!)

Once home, my kids hounded me for the landjaegers and beef jerky and they, being under 21 and not bound to follow the Lenten fast yet, proceeded to enjoy them in front of me (one day when they are in their prime, I will be too old to fast...insert evil laugh!)

When the original looks better than any filter.

We waded, more like trudged through the school work they were supposed to have done while I was gone and then took in some fresh air at Chambers Bay park...with hundreds of others who had the same idea. It was so crowded, we could barely find a spot to park. I've seen it crowded like this in the summer, but never this early in the year! With movie theaters, restaurants and gyms all shut down, the outdoors seem like the last place to enjoy yourself with friends. I've seen people be of the mind that "Stay home, means stay home! Don't leave the house," but I believe that fresh air and sunshine are part of the cure. Do what makes you happy healthy!

those colors!!

Jenny did well off leash today!

Day 2: COVID-19 Self "Quarentine"

What an ugly blog post title!

Anyway, I have a less demanding schedule these days and the desire to write is coming back. In June the kids and I will have our 5th anniversary of living in the house we are in. Five years is the longest we've lived anywhere! When we first moved up here we were blessed by good friends who let me rent one of their rentals for dirt cheap. It was a difficult time, but that little, tiny house located in a very "iffy" neighborhood is so precious to me because it is where I brought home the baby of our family. It is also where I spent those priceless years with my kids when they were so little and loving and...cute! It's hard to believe how fast time really does fly. After five years of living there we transitioned into a nice house with a big yard and lived there with my parents for two years. That place, also, holds precious memories of my kids surrounding my dad as he read them stories before bed, my mom making all of us pancakes for breakfast and being so close to my Nana that we could walk and visit her anytime.

But the time for me to find a respectable house for myself and my kids had come again. My folks were moving back into their home and our landlord wanted to sell. I looked on various online home rental sites and found one that I was interested in. I set up an appointment with the realtor to go check it out. It turned out to be an old turn-of-the-century (or even older!) home. Its exterior was built with stone and the interior had all kinds of interesting and unique built-in nooks and crannies. There was one room that interested me because to enter it you had to climb into it as the door to the room was a good 2-3 feet off the ground! Yet, this room wasn't hidden away, it was right next to the kitchen. We continued to see the rest of the house and finally I asked the realtor what was the purpose of that one room? "Do you really want to know?" was her response. Umm, ya, now more than ever! She told me it was the quarantine room for those afflicted with tuberculosis. There was a window very high in the room so that family could look down from the upstairs to make sure they were ok, but otherwise, usually the afflicted would go in there to die. So, I never went back.

I think about that house now and what a nice bed and breakfast I could have made out of it for anyone afflicted with COVID-19. I also think about how we are living in historical times. When my oldest looks back on the year he graduated high school, he will more likely remember how he barely attended his third trimester and all anyone talked about was the Coronavirus, rather than the celebrations and transition into adulthood. I read something the other day that said those graduating this year were born in a world recently affected by the events of 9/11 and will be graduating in the year of a pandemic. I believe they will be strong. They will affect the world in their own way.

Soooo, we are in day two of our self-quarantined, homeschool adventure. The first day was St. Patrick's Day and we enjoyed a delicious meal at home with our priest and good friend as our honored guest. I was happy to have all my kids home, safe and healthy. Today I needed to get out and take in some of that beautiful sunshine that has been gracing the PNW. So I decided we were going hiking.

Fun-ish notes about the day: I had an Irish Coffee at 9 am... just checking, but that's kind of like drinking a mimosa, right? One of those alcoholic drinks totally acceptable to drink first thing in the morning? Mmkay, good.

Second fun-ish note: I had the wind knocked out of me today! It was only witnessed by my 6 year old niece, myself and the ball of fur and muscle that is my brother's black American pit-bull who happened to be the culprit. As I approached the back yard deck all of a sudden I felt my legs lift up from under me and I landed with a thud flat on my back on a pile of gravel. For a few seconds, I didn't even know what happened! I stood up, kind of ticked off and wanting to cry, then I was just upset that it wasn't caught on video to share with all of you and maybe win $100,000 on America's Funniest Home Videos.

We hiked 2 vertical miles today at Mt. Peak. The mile up took us 45 min. That will be the time to beat next week. When I used to have to climb that peak for PT while I worked on a DNR Wildland Firefighting crew we'd have to do it in 28 minutes. That is my goal.

Other than that, schooling went well...there was some whining, some bribing, some slamming books, so, you know, nothing out of the ordinary.  Healthy days to all! Goodnight.

A New Direction?

There are people in my life that worry not only about tomorrow, but next week, next month, the next hour...but, somehow, I missed that gene. It's not to say I have nothing to worry about, but simply that my brain is such that I must compartmentalize by the moment. I don't think too far into the future. I don't like to make plans too far in advance, and I can't focus too heavily on something if there is something else that needs to be taken care of first. I am neither advocating nor ashamed of this mindset. It seems to be a mix of trusting in God and procrastination, both positive and negative. 

As a working mom in the midst of raising teens, I am discovering more and more that this might be considered by some, survival mode. I rarely make plans with friends because something might "come up" that I will need to attend to. I am much better at spontaneous and spur of the moment plans because I can determine right there and then if my absence would jive with everyone in the household. Is this normal? I don't know, it's my normal.

To mom's of teens, does this sound familiar? Opposite of your life? Let me know in the comments how life with teens affects your planning, social life, sense of self.

Also, to those of you who have enjoyed reading this blog, what are some things you would like to see more of? What topics are of interest to you? I think a question answering post would be fun, what would you like to know about my life? Ask, and I'll answer.

Panic is a Real Thing

Working at my children's school has allowed me to be there for them in ways I never imagined I would have to. Today while I was teaching P.E., I noticed that one of my daughters did not seem like herself. She was doing really well at the game we were playing but never looked happy or enthusiastic. Afterward, at lunch, I asked what was wrong and she ignored me, so I chalked it up to adolescent angst. She finally came and found me in my classroom and emotionally vomited on me for being uncaring and mad at her. I am used to teens letting out their frustrations on me so I wasn't really phased. Pretty soon she was hyperventilating, crying and talking about feeling like she was 'outside of herself'. I tried to help her breathe slowly, but she just couldn't do it.

In the middle of it her teacher came in and told her she can't leave lunch without telling the person in charge where she is. This added to her anxiety.  Her teacher let her stay, however, and I continued to talk with her. She began to bring up all her insecurities that maybe had some basis in reality but were totally blown out of proportion.  Finally she asked if I could just hug her. Why didn't I just do this in the first place?!! (insert mom guilt) I hugged her tight. As I did so, I looked up on my phone what to do during a panic attack and found some great information from healthline.com. In a very calm voice I read 11 Ways to Stop a Panic Attack. They were all very doable and pretty soon my little girl was breathing slowly and and her muscles had relaxed in my arms.

Both of my girls have tried to explain to me certain symptoms of anxiety that they were experiencing in the past year. I never understood fully what it was, and neither did they. After today's experience and a recent brief conversation with a couple of my cousins, I realized it's time to talk to them about anxiety, panic attacks and what they can do to help themselves. I have never experienced this myself, however, in the past, I have experienced anxiety's melancholic little sister, depression.  I do know many in my family who have had anxiety and panic attacks and from what I understand, it does run in families so I shouldn't be surprised it would show up in some of my children. I have a lot to learn, but this I know, patience, love and understanding is what I can offer them now.

Have you ever experienced a full on panic attack? Do you know kids who have these issues? Any and all advice is appreciated!

A Day to Remember

It has been a really long time since I have written a post, but my heart is longing to write again after a period of too busyness lack of creative thought. Today I was contemplating how to talk to my young students about 9/11. It is part of our country's history now, so should I talk about it? We say, 'never forget', but at what age do children need to learn to "remember". I wanted to share with them the importance of the day without making them feel scared or insecure in the world they live in. All of this consideration has brought that day's events so clearly back to mind. Sometimes, on this day, I can feel the same pit in my stomach that I felt that day, and tears would flow so easily if I let them.

I had just gotten married four months prior to the day. I worked in the office at the WA State Dept. of Natural Resources and my husband worked for DNR in the field as a Wildland firefighter. The day was sunny, nice...especially nice, I thought. I got out of my car and started to walk into work, passing the mechanic I said, "Good morning!" in an especially bright tone, because it was going to be a great day...I could just feel it. "If you can call it that!" the mechanic replied. Thinking he was pretty grumpy for such a beautiful day, I responded, "Why do you say that?" "Haven't you heard? Our country is being attacked!" I was confused and alarmed at what he said but figured he was exaggerating about whatever he was talking about. I entered the building and the receptionist told me she didn't know exactly what was happening but a plane had just hit a building in New York and they were talking about it being intentional. She told me they set up a T.V. in the back. In shock, I hurried to the back just in time to see the second plane hit the second tower and a chilling gasp filled the room by all who witnessed it. We watched in horror for the next few minutes when they told us we should all go home and be with our families. My thoughts immediately went to my husband... I needed to know he was safe and let him know I was coming home. He had the day off and was already watching the news as the towers now burned side by side with the whole world watching. I remember the feeling in my hands as I drove home...they shook, they were cold even though it was a warm, late summer morning. I had a pit in my stomach as I feared the known and even more the unknown.

Once home, my husband and I were glued, as was much of the nation, to the news. Every channel showed the image of the two towers burning and chaos in the streets of New York City. It felt so far away and yet so close. Then, in a moment, the first tower crumbled, live, for the whole world to watch. Realization that our country was under attack was more apparent when the news showed the Pentagon on fire, then a lonely field in Pennsylvania. Fear set in....where next? What now?

Those memories are as fresh now as the moment they came to pass. When it came time to talk to my students about what today was, I knew the truth was way to scary for their innocent hearts to hear. I knew I had to share something about this day but not all that weighed heavily on my heart. I printed a page to color:

Then I oh so briefly described what happened, but our focus was on 911. I pointed out what the date was, 9/11/19,  and told them how and why to call 911. We talked about how many people on that day must have called 911 and how brave the police officers and firefighters who responded were.  We prayed for all first responders, those who died and those who even today put their lives on the line to save others.

I am grateful for the opportunity to impart gratitude in these young hearts toward our first responders. That is what they can take away from this day, until they are old enough to learn the sad details in full.

It is strange to me to think that to most students in school at this point, this occurred before they were born. To my own children, it is history. I try to remind them each year how united our country became after the events of this day. How nobody seemed a stranger, American flags flew from every car, every home, people talked to each other and we all seemed proud to be Americans.  We say 'Never Forget', but I think we already have. We've forgotten that we should be proud to be Americans. We've forgotten that we are here to help one another and build one another up. How far we've come! I pray that it doesn't take another tragedy before we become united once more. Let's honor this day and the memories of those who died tragically by being kind to one another, being proud and grateful to live in this great (even if faulty) country of ours, and by thanking those who risk their lives every day to save others.

https://youtu.be/EEogeIIOJzU

What I Have Learned from Multiple Days Stuck at Home

Nobody loves a lazy day at home with a cup of bulletproof coffee and a new Amazon Prime series more than I. Watching the snow turn my neighborhood into a winter wonderland added to the cozy feelings that made the first snow day so wonderful...

That was nine days ago, the first snow day of the season...

This past Friday's school day was cut short around the Puget Sound due to another oncoming winter storm. Unusual weather around these parts, the school districts, including St. Mary's (not part of a district), wanted all families to get home safely. It's Tuesday now, and I have yet to leave the house in 4.5 days. Yes I am getting cabin fever, yes... I'm even ready to be back to school. It hasn't just been this long weekend but last week as well was all kinds of weird...Monday- snow day. Tuesday - 2 hour delay, Wednesday - 2 hour delay and as mentioned Friday - 2 hour early release. I just saw the first snow plow drive down our street. Because this is such a rare occurrence, the city doesn't spend the money that other places do on winter preparedness, so while the main streets have been cleared, our street is a sheet of ice covered with a foot of snow, melted by rain overnight and turned to slush. My driveway, however, still has half a foot of snow and my van doesn't do well at all.

So, with all this time at home I want to share a few things I've learned that I didn't know before:

1. TLC has no show other than Say Yes to the Dress all. day. long. Does anyone even watch this show?!!! Who CARES what insanely expensive dress random strangers pick for their wedding? NO ONE CARES!!

2. For my teen boys, looking cool is now more important than being warm. I watched them walk away, 2 miles (one way) to the store, in jeans, hoodies, and their Vans shoes...no coats, no hats, no gloves. I warned them repeatedly that the snow was about to dump again but they said they were fine. Snow flakes the size of quarters started falling shortly after they left and by the time they arrived home, an hour and a half later, they were soaked and cold, but refused to admit they were idiots.

3. Snow brings people together. Even though we were physically housebound together, I watched my kids happily play together in the snow for hours. I played happily in the snow with them for hours. Neighbors we didn't know honked as they drove by and congratulated us on the "Great Job!" we did building our snow family. Groups of people walked down the road carrying sleds to the large hill a street over from ours. Our mail man stopped to talk. Another neighbor stopped by to make sure we were doing fine. Online, an incredible, "we are in this together" attitude took over and the polarizing political posts became minimal.  

4. We are incredibly lucky human beings. When our greatest problem is being stuck at home, how can I complain?!!!  We have a warm house, clean water, food, and all the other luxuries that we take for granted that make us the richest country in the world. Internet, phone, washer/dryer, TV, refrigerator....the list goes on and on of things to be grateful for. Anyone who lives an average, or even below average existence in America is filthy rich compared to a majority of the rest of the world. Privilege is a hot-button word in our society right now "Check your privilege" they say...well, I say, if you live here, you are privileged, be grateful for that. Oops, I didn't meant to get political...it just came out. 

In conclusion, while I look forward to getting my van out of the garage and being able to drive out of my driveway and get back to normal life, I appreciate a newfound gratitude for all I have and I ask everyone to "check their privilege," check it so you can appreciate it and be thankful for all you have.

When Christmas Isn't Merry

"Be still and know that I am God."

-Psalm 46:10 

Every even year since 2011 I have woken up on Christmas morning alone, the house quiet. No expected patter of excited young feet or smiles that brighten when they see a tree bedecked with gifts and stocking full of goodies. Some of the things that bring a mother's heart greatest joy have been stripped from me when my husband decided he wanted out of our marriage. I am no longer bitter but the sadness of being away from my kids on this most special day never goes away. Weeks ahead of Christmas, I psyche myself up (and try to help the kids as well) to the fact that our 'Christmas' will still exist, only on a different day. All of them, at one point or another, will ask (if not beg) to be able to be home for Christmas. "We can go to Dad's in the evening," they try to bargain. I do my best to be positive and encouraging, but inward I am thinking the same thing.

By the grace of God, I am able to be strong in front of them, but every year, no matter how strong I feel, the floodgates open as soon as I drop them off. And then they are only a word, a look of understanding, a question away from letting loose again. Today is Christmas Eve. I have been crying on and off all day. I have surrounded myself with people I love, family and friends, but in every quiet moment...tears fall.

I know Christmas is a season. It isn't about one day or stockings full of gifts, it isn't about what we get or even who we are with. It's about Christ. That is what gets me through. Today I had the honor to  vacuum our church to help prepare it for Midnight Mass. I imagined I was sweeping the stable, tidying up to prepare the lowly place for the newborn King.

Tonight I get to pick up my kids and bring them to Mass with me. I get to receive Our Lord in the Holy Eucharist with them by my side. This is Christmas to them, and to me. Tonight my heart will be full as I whisper "Merry Christmas" to my kids as the bell tolls for Mass to begin. Tonight for a few hours, joy will be full. I will focus on the now, and be happy.....

...and then I will drop them back off at their dad's in the middle of the night, and cry the whole way home.

In 2012 I wasn't able to have my kids even at Mass, these five candles were for them.

Sister Time in the Northwesternest Corner

"There is pleasure in the pathless woods, there is rapture in the lonely shore, there is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar; I love not Man the less, but Nature more." - Lord Byron

 So many years ago, I can't even remember how long, the kids and I were camping with my sister, Tina and her family for Memorial Day weekend. It was a yearly event and as usual, Tina's birthday fell within the weekend so we gave her the usual camping birthday party. A dessert, the song, the hugs. She received from her husband that year, a backpack, a nice one, for adventures she longed to take. Little did she know the adventures that God already had planned for her. Little did she know that one of her daughters, having Type 1 diabetes would need her care nearly 24/7, little did she know the many hours she would spend in the hospital attending to her oldest daughter as she also suffered from a severe autoimmune disease, or how difficult it would be to get babysitters when 5 of her 8 children had special dietary needs. But through the years Tina put her dreams on hold without complaint and tended to the needs of her children. The backpack sat unused for many years.

With her oldest son about to turn 20 and her youngest going on 5. She felt her time had come. She found a moonless night in July on the calendar and said, "This is the weekend we are going." We scheduled it, and come hell or high water, we were going to do it. Well, we didn't have to deal with hell, but high water, yes. We planned a two night backpacking trip to Shi Shi Beach, near Neah Bay, WA, the most northwestern point of the lower 48 states. Upon checking the tides at the Ranger station we found out that we would be on the beach during the highest high tide of the year to that point. On the other hand, we would also experience one of the lowest low tides which would provide excellent tidal pool exploration.

We did a little planning over the phone about what to bring and looked into the permits we would have to obtain. It was all pretty simple: we needed an overnight pass for camping in the Olympic National Park and a recreation use permit from the Makah Tribe, which could be purchased at any store in Neah Bay.  Also, because we didn't have one, we needed to rent a bear canister from the Port Angeles Ranger Station, more to keep our food safe from raccoons and crows than bears (although there have been reported sightings).

My girls ended up staying at Tina's house with their Uncle Mike and cousins and the boys stayed at home by themselves. I bid the boys farewell and met Tina at her house Thursday morning with the girls. They were excited to stay with their cousins, their best friends. This made leaving for a few days easier for my peace of mind. Once packed in the truck we were on our way! We giggled to ourselves at the very thought of this trip finally happening! The drive was enjoyable and the conversation wonderful and the silences comfortable. To me, nothing compares to being in the company of my sisters, it is the best. We've been through everything together, we've shared childhood memories, joy and chaos. We experienced the different stages of motherhood together, rejoiced in each others good days and commiserated in the bad. We've shared the same friends, we've cried together in difficulties and laughed so hard together that we literally peed our pants. Yet, I'm sure even on that day, in the back of both of our minds, the ever present concerns of motherhood lurked in our minds like shadowy reminders of the responsibilities always awaiting us.

We got our permits taken care of and found the overcrowded parking lot. Because it was full, we had to find a private residence half a mile away that charged $10 a day to park on its lawn.  We would need to pay $30 but only had two $20 bills. We left them and a note asking for change to be left at the truck as there was no attendant on the lot. It was hopeful thinking, but we had no other choice. We heaved our heavy packs on our backs, took some pictures and headed down the shady road toward the Shi Shi Beach trailhead. Neither of us had prepared to carry 35 pounds backpacks. It was Tina's first time and my first time since training for Search and Rescue a year and a half ago of having such a heavy pack resting on our hips. As we walked, however, at least for me, my pack and I became one and our mantra was "one step in front of the other".

Tina at the trail's beginning

The boardwalk portion in the shade.

Just after the trailhead we dropped into a lush green forest. The remnants of enormous trees could be seen in form of stumps but the regrowth was great enough to provide shade for the forested two miles of our hike. It soon became a game of "try not to fall in the mud" as we entered the famously muddy parts of the trail. Just before our steep descent to the beach we approached a staircase which eventually spit us out onto the beach below. 

One of the many muddy stretches.

Violet resting on the beach.

 We were excited to begin the second stretch to our destination, "Point of Arches". The temperature increased quite a bit now, however, not being in the shady protection of the forest. We were also walking on sand, which made it seem like each step took a little more effort, but the scenery was breathtaking.

The sky was a cloudless blue and the waves contrasted, breaking on shore clean white and clear waters.  To the north and south were natural sculptures of rock jutting out into the surf. The beach barely hid the earth as low tide revealed it reaching toward the surface.

Rocky earth reveals itself on the beach at low tide

After about half a mile of hiking on the beach, we both felt the need for a lunch break and the desire to stand or sit pack free. A rocky nook near the tree line beckoned for our company and we found a cave like lunch spot to re-energize. After doing so, we loaded back up and walked toward the harder packed wet sand which was easier to walk on. A older man came walking over to us to show us a picture he had taken of us (first picture on this blog post). He said he had been trying to get his sister to come out with him and wanted to show her that women do get out and hike. He asked our permission to share it and bid us a fun adventure. 

After hiking another hour or so, we started looking for sites to set up camp. Knowing it would be a very high tide that night and the next we looked for something near the treeline. Soon we found the perfect location, a fire pit with a previously made driftwood bench on the beach with a hidden tent site just in the trees. It was love at first sight! We wasted no time setting up the tent and claiming our spot so we could get to work scavenging firewood. 

We spent the next two days in an activity that is every mothers' dream...relaxing. When we try to relax while camping with kids they are constantly asking for us to do something. We try to explain that we ARE doing something...it's called relaxing! No explanation was needed on this trip. We sat in our chairs or on the sand and read books, watch the surf, explored tidal pools, talked without interruptions, took tons of pictures, laughed, felt young again, and enjoyed hours long naps to the sound of the ocean. It was just what we both needed. We spoke many times of our kids and how much they would love it there. We kept in touch with our families because we are moms and that's what we do. We vowed to do this every year possible from here on out.

After our five mile hike back to the truck, we found the $10 change that we asked for but didn't really expect. It was in an envelope tucked under the windshield wiper. We were both elated to know honesty and understanding still exist in a world that sometimes seems void of both.

Before we left for home, we took one more hike to Cape Flattery. It was an easy hike through beautiful green forests and on boardwalks that ended on a cliff overlooking the island on which stood Cape Flattery Lighthouse. The waters were teal blue and teaming with life, from seals to sea birds. We sat just off the trail and let our feet hang over the edge, savoring the last few moments of our adventure. 

Upon our return home, our girls came running out to greet us with hugs and kisses reminding us that all the times we wanted to adventure, but couldn't because our children needed us, was also time well spent.

The Honest Truth: what it's REALLY like to camp with kids

When I hear people say things like, "You are such an amazing mom!" and "It's so great that you do all those things with your kids!" I cringe a little inside, because I know the truth.  I know the ugly, un-photographed truth. I want to give you, dear reader, an honest look at what it's like outside of Instagram and Facebook. I'm going to let you be a fly on the wall or rather a mosquito at our campsite.

I recently took my kids plus my nephew on an overnight camping trip to White River Campground on the the east side of Mt. Rainier.  It's a place we love dearly and a short drive to an amazing sunrise view of the mountain. I wanted to do this trip 'car camping, the light way'. Which, in my mind, means no camp box filled with everything I don't usually use but would come in handy if I needed it, no lanterns, no fancy cooked meals, no swimming apparatus, no camp kitchen etc. I told my kids they were responsible to pack what they needed to sleep comfortably, clothes, a backpack with enough water for the next day's hike and that's it, I would take care of the rest. Now we've gone camping so many times and as they have grown older I make them be responsible for more and more of their own needs, so I figured they could handle it.

I shopped for the bare minimum as far as food goes, plus enough snacks/goodies to keep them happy on the trail. (Fed kids are happy kids....usually) Then I set to work with the boys packing our Yakima cargo box with chairs, sleeping bags, a small foldable stove and a few other necessities. We packed our large blue container of water, the food bag and cooler, all of our backpacks, pillows, etc.

Well, it's sounds like it all went quite smoothly doesn't it? What I haven't mentioned yet is while I was busy packing this kid sat playing on the Xbox, this kid fought with that kid, this one whined about not having any clean clothes, this one was nowhere to be found, that one was Snap-chatting with friends....just as one would appear to be ready to go they would disappear and then I'd find out they had no backpack..or shoes..or sleeping bag. So then I'd stop what I was doing and help them only to find two others laughing at funny videos on Youtube, which would be fine if they were already packed and had helped me get ready to leave.

So by now, my head is about to explode and most, but not all, of the kids have an attitude like I'm forcing them to live in a labor camp and like it! Everything in me should be saying, 'Why don't you just change plans and take them to the lake instead, you know there'd be less complaining.' but what everything inside of me is actually saying, and it's true, is, 'I know they'll be happy and grateful once we are there, we just need to get on the road!!!'

When my kids were little and I did EVERYTHING, it was, in a sense, easier. They got to be excited about a grand adventure and I did all the work. Now getting them to carry their own work load is like pulling teeth! The same thoughts that are there nearly every time we do something fun started creeping into my mind, "WHY?!! Why do I even bother?!!" But immediately the answers take their place, 'Because it's good for them, because they need to unplug, because even with all the complaining, they love it.'

So now we supposedly had everything packed. Once we were loaded up I ran back into the house and filled an insulated bottle with Coke Zero and a swig (or two) of Whipped Vodka and stuck that into the cooler. Before I reached the van, I could hear the fighting. "It's MY day in the front!" "I'm NOT sitting back there with YOU!" Trying to keep my cool, I told everyone where they were sitting and didn't allow for negotiations. We drove in silence. I'm sure I said some not so nice things that experts would say will scar my kids for life. But it was silent.

Traffic. Was. Bad.

What should have taken us an hour and a half took us two and a half hours and, of course, by the time we reached the campsite, we were all famished. I told the kids we had to find a campsite and set up camp, then I would get out the food.

The campground wasn't full, but many of the good spots were taken. In a stroke of good luck, however, we found a great site with lots of space and privacy and was close to the bathroom. We set to work setting up the tents. I gave the girls the job of setting out the chairs and start searching for firewood. Both tents went up fast, sleeping space was being claimed and then I saw it...

On a small post that was hidden by our van was a white tag. It was the pay stub that stated the site had already been claimed. I had to break the news to the kids and tell them we needed to move.  We feared that at any second a car would pull up with the night's tenants of our stolen campsite. I frantically looked around for nearby sites and much to my relief, the one right next to it was available, and it was also very nice, if not roomier. The girls and I literally picked up the tents fully set up and I hauled ours around the van onto the street and into it's new location. The boys took their larger one through the woods. I was proud of them, they worked together and got it done with minimal grumbling.

Come to terms with the tent situation

Drama has a name and it is ********. One of my daughters decided she wanted her own tent and couldn't see how the three of us girls could fit into my lightweight three person backpacking tent. I suggested she sleep in the van, because I didn't pack another tent. When the boys heard the conversation they hounded her in their brotherly way and she stormed off into the woods. I knew she was wanting me to follow after her and hear her out, but I also knew she needed to blow off steam, so I let her go. Now, I was irritated and had to cook dinner. Right before we left home I told Sam we should probably bring another canister of propane, then I changed my mind. Well, we ran out of propane just as I got the burgers in the cast iron pan. Sam got the fire going pretty fast and we ended up cooking them over the flames. Oh, by the way the container of burgers that looked like it could hold 8...it had four patties. Four patties for seven people.

So we ate our dinner of burgers, chips and....oh ya, that's it. Burgers and chips, I even forgot the ketsup.

When 'drama' still hadn't come back Hunter, who has always had a knack for talking to the one on the outs, found her and convinced her to join the family. Within five minutes she was eating dinner and smiling. The rest of the evening went relatively well. Three of the four boys forgot sleeping pads, Ben didn't even bring his sleeping bag, so they got to learn the hard way why they need to be responsible for themselves. Luckily they were all in one tent and kept warm by sharing blankets.

Happy Camper

Holding pieces of Rainier's history

Sunrise Point vista...Mt. Adams in the background

Oh, if we could all look as good as Rainier first thing in the morning!

 We attended the Ranger's Campfire talk about the history of Mt. Rainier, then kept the fire going and played our favorite camping game, Psychiatrist. As the coals died down we hit the sack and fell fast asleep.

My alarm went off at 4:30 so we could pack up and be up at Sunrise Point by 5:30 to watch the sunrise. I was so warm and comfortable though that I kept pressing snooze. Finally at 5, I started waking everyone up. The boys were up, dressed and packed in no time. Hunter, who would sleep until noon if I let him, said getting up was better than freezing in the tent. The girls took a little longer to get moving, but we were all in the van by 5:20 am with plans to eat where we park while we watched the beautiful sunrise.

We drove the winding road, up, up and up. The view widening and lightening as we rose. The sun was beating us to the mountain, but the scenery was quite the sight to behold. On our way up we saw a herd of at least 10-15 elk grazing in a lush meadow. We arrived at Sunrise Point as the Mountain blushed rose from the rising sun. I parked and we got out to take in our surroundings. There was a chill in the air but it was bearable.

Hot chocolate is a great way to start the day!

As we enjoyed the sunrise, I made hot chocolate for the kids and coffee for myself by heating up water in my MiniMo Jetboil. After eating Pop tarts, the kids were ready to go! There were a few people at the parking lot taking pictures, but nobody was hiking except for us. 

The trail started off heading downhill into the shade of the trees. It was a steady downhill and I kept thinking, "This is nice, but this will also be the end of our hike...a steady climb." Cecelia had a million things to say and, lost in conversation, she took a misstep and had a major belly flop on a downhill trail. This was early on in the hike and set the mood for the next couple of miles. Teary and sore from her fall, she fell silent for awhile. The four boys hurried ahead and Izzy journeyed back and forth between them and Cecelia and I. The wildflowers were a sight to behold. When your teenage son stops to stoop down and photograph a wildflower you know you made the right choice to bring them along no matter the struggle.

Looking down on the first of many lakes.

The mosquitos were a nuisance and they were very attracted to poor Cece for whatever reason, but because they liked her so much they pretty much left me alone. I felt bad for her though, she was constantly swatting at the suckers and at one point they had her in quite a tizzy. 

I don't know what it was about this trail, or maybe it was the hot cocoa, but almost every kid had stomach issues and needed to stop to poop along the way! I gave them a minimal amount of mountain money (T.P.) and told them to make sure to dig their hole before going. Cece was the only one that needed assistance and she had to go at least three times! So it was a slow go, but once that was over we were able to enjoy the trail and all it had to offer. This trail passed by at least five lakes before our final destination came into view, Upper Palisade Lake. We had been here before in early September but the lake was so much smaller   then that we were able to walk right to the boulders on the far side. This time we had to find/make a trail through the woods until we came to the enormous boulder field. This was where we planned on having lunch and exploring for a bit. Many years ago there was a major rock fall and now rocks the size of small homes provided cave-like exploration, fantastic boulder hopping opportunities and dream homes to many marmots. 

Right off the bat, the boys found the largest rocks and challenged themselves to jump from one to another. I let them be boys and do their thing in spite of my motherly instinct that made me want to warn them of all the dangers involved in what they were doing. I enjoyed nature in the same way with my friends when I was their age, although usually without my mother there to tell me to be careful...and I survived. They played for a good hour before they even thought about food. Meanwhile, the girls and I explored the cave-like areas and climbed high to get even better views of the emerald green lake. From where we climbed we could see the mountains stretch before us forever and the lake sparkle in the morning sun, the boys looked like ants and we were joined by marmots and hummingbirds.

first switchback

breaking for snacks in the morning light

hiking a meadow next to one of the many lakes

the "caves"

Boulder hopping

for perspective, Sam contemplating life on lg. boulder

Rock with a view.

The boys from where we were perched way up high looked tiny as ants.

I was irritated that I couldn't get a clear shot from where I was, but after seeing this picture, I was pretty amazed at this combination of sun and lens.

After playing, exploring and relaxing we headed down, or up to the rocks from different directions and met at the lake. This wasn't without incident, however. Isabelle was slipping on the rocks and scraping herself left and right. She just about lost it and decided then and there she was done. Even after reaching the lake the complaining continued. 

  The day had warmed up quite a bit and most of us were excited to take our boots and socks off and stick our feet in the water. Oh, but we had forgotten how cold alpine lakes can be!! The most we could do at first is have competitions to see who could hold their feet in the longest. After eating, they began to play by the shore. Before I knew it and after warnings of "Don't get your boots soaked!" several kids fell in, including Cecelia who had her second or third meltdown of the day. This is one moment where I was impressed with one of my kids preparedness. Isabelle packed an entire change of clothes and charitably offered them to Cecelia. After changing into dry clothes she mellowed out. Isabelle's act of kindness brought her cheerful attitude back and she was all smiles the rest of the day.

Several of the boys by this time had stripped down to their boxers and hesitated on the edge of a rock trying to muster up the courage to jump in. My nephew, Vincent, had also ended up with wet boots and clothes so he found a large rock to change behind. At the same time that Samuel splashed into the  icy cold lake, Vincent began howling in pain from his hidden location. My heart dropped and I ran as quickly as possible to where he was. He had fallen while trying to see Sam jump and ended up scraping his back, ankles, wrists and hands. I gave First Aid to his most serious scrapes and decided it was time to go. All the while, now Ben and Sam were in and out of he lake jumping in and swimming while trying to catch their breath.

I rounded everyone up but it still took a good 20 minutes to leave as everyone dried off, put on wet boots and gathered their stuff. We had 3.5 miles to hike back still.

The great thing about the Upper Palisades Trail is there are amazing views without too much up and down. The greatest elevation change is in the beginning (now for us, the end) of the trail. The way back was uneventful other than me trying my hardest to motivate the injured and the weary. Many times we would think, "Oh the car is right up there!" Only to realize we had another switchback to traverse. The climbs seemed so much longer than the descents seemed earlier that day. We still took time to enjoy and take in the awesome scenery all around us, best of all the welcome back view of Mt. Rainier, which, though so close, was quite evasive during the day. We arrived back to the van by 12:30 pm.  It just so happened that the day was July 11th. 7/11. Free Slurpie day at 7eleven. We stopped on the way home. 

Having a hard time smiling after falling in the cold water.

What I've realized over the years is that the stress, the anguish, the frustration, even the injuries and weariness...all the negative aspects of taking the kids camping and hiking are memories that sift through their minds like sand in a strainer. What remains are the heftier memories of adventure, scenery, overcoming challenges and time spent together. I know, without a doubt, that we will continue to explore, I will continue to get frustrated when everything and everybody doesn't work together in perfect harmony, but I will continue to cherish those moments when they do.

Pre-emersion

Boots drying in the sun.

open meadow with Palisade Rocks as a backdrop

Slurpie's make everyone happy.

Rainier welcomes us back.