Supermom is out of Reach

"I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids." - Unknown.

Sitting in the lobby of the chiropractor's office the other day, waiting to be adjusted by Dr. Mike, I took a deep breath and was so happy to just be...waiting. It was so peaceful to have one and only one task to do...sit. I secretly hoped that the doctor would be running late and I would get to wait a really long time. That didn't happen, but I still relished the short reprieve from the break-neck pace that life has been lately. I've realized that I need to make the best use of every spare moment like this. What I actually realized is I need to create more moments like this rather than wait for them to come to me.

I had a crushingly humble moment a few weeks ago. I was feeling satisfied in knowing that all the tasks that had been filling my mind with unease had been accomplished and, finally, I could relax knowing that I had gotten through another year of costume and presentation preparations that accompanied Halloween and All Saints Day. My moment of humility came when I turned on my computer and, seeing pictures posted on Facebook, I realized I had just missed Benjamin's den's tour of the fire department; a requirement for the Wolf year of scouting.

Seeing the pictures of the other scouts' huge smiles as they climbed on the big red truck and getting to 'rescue' a firefighter, I felt like I had let Ben down in a big way. He would have loved that. I also felt an internal temper tantrum begin to rage from deep within me. "How can I do ALL of this by myself??!!" I took a deep breath and before the anger bubbled to the surface, I realized, I simply cannot do it ALL.

I feel like for the past four years, I have been compromising my sanity by trying to keep up with those damned 'Joneses', for my children's sake, so they wouldn't feel the pain of living in a single parent home. But I finally realized that if we don't feel the pain of living then when will we really learn to live? Yes, my kids go without. They go without making it to every fun event, they go without joining every team, without the latest video games, and sometimes they even go a couple days without a bath or shower because I am too tired to deal with the hassle, but they never go without love. They never go to sleep without me tucking them in to bed at night with a blessing and a kiss goodnight.

I pray that where I fail them, God will pick up the slack and fill in the gaps.

Love and prayers,

Gina.

 

Giving Thanks...Still.

"All whatsoever you do in word or in work, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, giving thanks to God and the Father by him." Colosians 3:17

 

We are right in the thick of the holiday season. Commercially, it may as well of been Christmas for about a month now, but socially, it is perfectly legit to put your Christmas tree up now. After all, the turkey left-overs are in the fridge and the good China has finally been put away. As for us, we will wait at least until the first Sunday of Advent to get a tree this year. Usually, we decorate it on Gaudete Sunday, the third Sunday of Advent, but since the kids will be at their dad's this year for Christmas, I plan on enjoying it with them for as long as I can.

For now, I will linger awhile on the things that I am truly grateful for.

Yesterday, Saturday, (yes, while we were all in our pj's and the house was less than inviting) my Jehovah's Witness friend and one of her companions made a surprise 'pop-in' visit. I figured around three years ago that I would not attempt to improve my appearance when I answered the door, in hopes that I would scare them away...but it didn't work. They have been back nearly every other Saturday for the past four years. I gave her a warm hug and asked if she had a nice Thanksgiving. I said it without thinking, I knew they didn't celebrate holidays. She graciously said she had a nice day, even though they don't celebrate the holiday because they believe in being thankful every day. My temperamental nature wanted to argue: "Of course we are thankful every day, but what is wrong with uniting as a country to give thanks to God as a whole?!" but I knew it was pointless. She showed me the latest Watchtower printout, asked me a question and read me a verse from her Bible to 'prove' her point, as she always does, then we said goodbye until next time.

As she walked back to her car, I felt grateful for her. There have been times in my life where I felt my faith growing stagnant, or rather, my emotional connection to my faith weaken. However, every time she comes, our conversations eventually lead me to my Bible to reassure my faith in the one true Church. I wonder if she would continue to come here if she knew her visits only strengthened my own faith. I also wonder what the conversation will be when she comes next time to see my Christmas tree up and my Nativity scene front and center.

I apologize for the digression. This year, I am thankful for many things; a new job that I couldn't be happier with at  St. Mary's Academy, that practically mirrors my children's schedule, and allows me to be home with them when they are out of school. I am grateful for the surprising and wonderful friendships that have developed as a result of working here.

I am truly grateful for my family who continue to take care of Cecelia, the only one not in school. She is practically as 'at home' with her aunt, her grandpa, and her great-grandmother as she is at her own house!

I am thankful for God's continued guidance in my life. In 2008, when my life turned upside-down, after many temper tantrums, bouts of anger and despair, and the realization that I am not the author of my own life, as I always thought I was, I finally surrendered. I placed my life in God's hands with full confidence that He would take care of everything, and I meant EVERYTHING. My surrender to Him was almost demanding and defiant. I literally told Him, "Fine! You took it all away, You take care of me now!!" And He has...in the most amazing of ways. I am most thankful to my heavenly Father who cares for me like one who has a soft spot in his heart for animals, and seeing one in such a pitiful state of helplessness He has taken me in and snipped off the dingleberries of my life.

Of course, I am thankful for the fabulous five. In good times and bad, they make me who I am. They help me to realize my abilities and my limits, both very valuable.

My hope is that everyone can find something to be thankful for this season, that they will cherish those things and be grateful always, not just on Thanksgiving, but the whole year long.


I am also thankful for YOU!!

love and prayers,

Gina.

Thanksgiving
 

Are You Normal?

My post titled, 'Six Confessions of a Single Mother' has scored more views than any other post. In fact the second most popular post has less than 30% of the audience of my 'Confessions' post. When I discovered this last night, I wondered what about that post draws the most readers, and why would I want to read that post more than any of the others?

I thought of two possible reasons. One, people love gossip, and a 'confession' is a good place to find some. Or two, people are looking to see if some of the things they feel guilty for are included, which would justify in their own mind, that they are at least as normal as me (no comment). Truth be told, I am as nosy as anyone else, and I too, would want to know if someone else out there is guilty of the same 'sins' as myself. After discovering what people are curious about I decided to amass a list of things I consider oddities about myself and my family, that way my loving readers can decide for themselves whether or not they are 'normal' ;) (or rather, whether or not I am).

• Saturday is our family's day to be as lazy as we want. While we try to observe Sunday as a day set aside for God and family, Saturday is a day to sleep in, do laundry in our pajamas....actually, we frequently do everything in our pajamas on this day. However, this is also the day that random people tend to spring surprise visits on us. Picture this: we are all in our pajamas and the house is a wreck because everyone is busy doing their own thing. Our house is too small to have a room that is always clean and ready for visitors, every room in our castle is lived in profusely. A knock is heard on the door. My children are brainwashed trained to be silent, no sudden movements until I decide whether we 'are home' or not. Everyone is huddled in the hallway as I check the peephole in the door. If I do decide to open the door, it is either someone we know, or because my pajamas could double as casual wear and my hairs are all pointing in acceptable directions. If I don't answer the door, we all hunker down in the hallway until they give up and drive away.
• I have to start this paragraph off with a disclaimer: boys are weird, they just are. There are several days of the week when we aren't home from the time we leave for school until long after the sun has gone down. We have one bathroom. Six people. One throne. Oftentimes nature calls all of us at the exact same time, as soon as we get home! That's a problem. In cases of urgency, I give my boys permission to make good use of the thin strip of our property located behind the garage where the tall weeds grow. Shhhhh!!!
• I have a few legs and the smudged remains (not the fat body, that's just gross!) of a spider I killed in my room....over a year ago. It's partial corpse is located on one wall near the ceiling. I seriously believe that it will scare away other spiders who don't want to share in that spider's fate....so far, it's worked :)
• I want to imitate the virtues of Jesus and Mary, but I'm afraid to pray for patience for fear one of my children will come down with ADHD; and I'm afraid to pray for humility for fear that I will grow a goiter. There I've said it. So, I've become very specific...."Please, God, help me to be patient when my child still can't spell 'necessary' no matter how many times I go over it with him, and when so-and-so commits the ultimate crime at the breakfast table and looks at so-and-so, please grant me patience then, as well." Also, "Please grant me humility to NOT say "I told you so" when one of my children falls out of her chair and bumps her elbow right after I told her not to sit on the chair that way."
• This one is really weird. Sometimes, I worry that I don't worry. Did you get that? My grandmother (whom I love with my whole heart), worries when she doesn't have something to worry about, which is the exact opposite. I worry that I never worry because I wonder if that means I don't care.  I don't think it does, so I won't worry about it.
• I sleep very well. So well, in fact, that it seems like a mere second from the time I fall asleep to the time my alarm goes off telling me to rise and shine. Most mornings I wake in the exact same position that I fell asleep in, sore and stiff. Tonight, I am going to set my alarm for the middle of the night so when I wake up and see that I still have three hours until morning, I can roll over with a smile on my face and thank God for the 'extra' sleep.

Tomorrow is All Hallows Eve, because I have stayed up too late as it is, I will be walking in a zombie-like state after I step out of bed and I will probably look and feel that way all day long....at least I won't have to dress up.

Happy Trick-or-Treating,

Gina

Scrappy Happers

An unexpected reprieve came my way this past weekend. Through the generosity of a good friend and the prompting of my sister, I was gifted with two nights at the Berachah Ministries cabin at Buck Creek, WA. for a weekend of scrapbooking in the company of friends, old and new. It almost didn't happen on account of the difficulty of finding sitters for the fabulous five, but after my brother-in-law offered to take the boys, and my other sister and a friend offered to take the girls, I was good to go.

My limited supplies and pictures were already packed from the last night of scrapbooking at Ben Franklin several months ago. Truth be told, I probably would never get any work on my books done anymore if it weren't for my sister. In days past, I was an avid scrapbooker and have Samuel and Hunter's baby books complete to their first year, in addition to multiple family albums. Benjamin's book is about half-way complete, Isabelle's book had a few pages that I did while at Ben Franklin's, and poor Cecelia's book is completely absent of pictures. Period.

The girls are getting to an age where they'd love to pour over the concrete memories of their babyhood, and seeing the look on their faces when I tell them I haven't started their books yet is enough to prompt me into action. The time came after school on Friday for the kids to leave with their weekend caregivers and for me to take off.

It would take and hour to get there, but I welcomed the solitude. Stopping at a drive-up espresso shop, I ordered a pumpkin chai latte. Coffee in hand, I cranked up a Gaelic Storm song and sang along as the sky darkened with the inevitable sinking of the hidden sun. Humility aside, I am an amazingly good singer when (and only when) I am by myself and the music is really loud. 

The cabin was located at Buck Creek, the same place where we camped this summer. However, a little further up the dirt road, were several hidden buildings that I had never seen before. It was dark by the time I arrived and the rain was coming down in a fury. The ground looked as though it were boiling the water that had just fallen from the sky. I parked near other cars and sat in the van for a few minutes. There was nobody in site and I wasn't exactly sure where to go. In fact, I wasn't exactly sure I wanted to get out of the warmth and shelter of my van. After coming to terms with the fact that I was going to get wet, I got out, left my belongings in the van, and went searching for the others.

What I found inside was a comfort to my soul. Warmth, familiar faces, and a dinner of pasta and garlic bread just about to be served. (This was perfect since it was Friday and, as Catholics, Tina and I wouldn't be eating meat) The atmosphere was upbeat and exciting. Everyone was happy to be away from the doldrums of daily affairs; no dishes, no cooking, no attending to the needs of others. For once there were others, attending to our needs. It was refreshing.

After dinner, I unpacked my van, assisted by my sister and an incredibly caring and generous friend (one of the women who made it possible for me to attend the weekend, free of charge), we carried my suitcase and bedding into the lodge that seven of us would be sharing for the next couple of days. Then they helped me get my scrapbooking supplies into the main building. The scrapbooking room was unlike anything I had ever seen before. A large room with floor-to-ceiling windows facing the forest, was crowded with numerous tables where papers, scissors, ribbons, stickers, letter and shape cutting machines, laptops and printers, and all sorts of tools I had never used before were spread out among treasured pictures, with the intention of capturing memories in a glorified format.

I felt welcomed by all, and was excited to greet old friend and meet new ones. My sister already had a table prepared for me directly across from her and right next to the fire place. Unloading my supplies, I got to work. It was about 7 pm. Around 2 am, we called it a night.

Morning came early, but with a hot breakfast being served at 8:30 we were enticed to get up and get ready. The only problem was we had one bathroom to share with seven women. I'll just say...it was a hat day for me.....

The highlight of the day for me was when we took a break from scrapbooking and walked down to a nearby field to go zip-lining. This has been on my bucket list since I first heard about it! Yes, it was still raining, but with this opportunity getting soaked wasn't an issue... hair dries, and clothes can be changed. We harnessed up, and put on our helmets. It was cold and wet but nobody seemed to mind. Without hesitation, I climbed the stairs that had been carved out of the hillside. On top of the hill was a pole, it looked much like the telephone poles near our house except it had spikes sticking out on both sides. We had to use these to get up the pole to the platform that we would be jumping off. So far, no fear.

Up the pole, I went. It was wet, muddy from the climbers before me, but still no fear. I stood on the platform on top of the pole and my heart began racing. I wasn't sure if it was from the climb or from adrenaline setting in. I came to realize it was adrenaline, mixed with something just short of uncertainty. Uncertainty over whether or not I could make the leap of faith. When you jumped, it was in a downward direction something similar to free falling until the wire caught your weight and carried you off. I've gone skydiving twice before, but both times it was tandem with the instructor. I didn't have a moment to think whether or not to jump, it was; One...Two...Three...and we were out of the plane falling with nothing connecting us to the earth.

With this, it had to be my decision. I even asked the man who was on the platform with me if he would push me, but I guess that is against regulations. It was up to me to make the jump.  My own stubborn temperament and the thought, "If that lady can do it, so can I" was, in the end, what got me off of the platform. Once I took the leap of faith, and I realized that I was flying without the fear of dying, I thoroughly enjoyed speeding through the air as the rain poured down. I let go of the rope with my hands and leaned back actually pretending I was a character from Peter Pan who, with the help of Pixy Dust and Happy Thoughts, was able to fly....who says kids get all the the fun?!

Something about flying in the rain absolutely wore me out. When we got back to the scrapbooking hall, I could barely keep my eyes open. Trying to make a page that was worthwhile was fruitless as I kept zoning out and finally I realized my creative juices were all dried up. I decided to go back to my bed and take a nap.....oh wonderful sleep! My sister, Tina, followed me and we slept for a good hour. Refreshed and rejuvenated, we headed back to the other building for another night of scrapbooking.

Friday, at school, I was having a difficult time with Isabelle. Being her mother and teacher has proven to be trying, both for her and I. While we both love it, we both also find it difficult to separate the relationship of mother/daughter from teacher/student. By the time the end of the school-day came, I wanted to throw my hands up and shout a giant "Hallelujah! See ya Sunday!" But while scrapbooking her baby book, I looked over pictures of her past five years. They brought me back to moments of joy, tenderness, and laughter and reminded me of why I love being her mother. That is where the real worth of creating scrapbook lies, it helps you to treasure the ones you love by remembering the loving moments.

I am grateful to Maribelle who made all the arrangements for me to come, to my sister for prompting me to complete my children's baby books, to Trina for the fleece shirts she brought for each of us, to those who volunteered to take care of my children, and to the crew of Berachah Ministries who made it all special.

Happy Days to all from the Scrappy Happer:

Gina.

On a completely unrelated side note: this creepy, nasty giant was in a pan I pulled out of my cupboard as I was going to start dinner. I just about died....really. Luckily, Samuel has come into manhood and saved the day without a blink of the eye. (he sure doesn't take after his dad in this regards...oops, did I just type that?)

Simple-minded Pleasures

“All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom; justice; honor; duty; mercy; hope, coffee" - Winston Churchill....I just completed the quote...perfected it, really.

I woke up this morning after four and a half hours of sleep, and forced myself to get up and prepare for the day that was coming, ready or not. Tired and sluggish...I stumbled to the kitchen where I naturally march in a zombie state every morning after I've accepted the fact that time won't stop and allow myself a few more hours in my cozy, warm bed. Then, as I was making my morning mojo juice, known to the common folk as coffee, I realized there are certain pleasures that make my day worthwhile regardless of any other pitfall. Simpleminded pleasures, I guess you could say.

These aren't the big ones; kids, God's grace, friends, family etc., etc. These are even simpler pleasures.

1. After the teapot screams at me to announce my water is ready, I remove the teapot and stand at the coil burner that is burning red hot, I place my cold fingers over it like it's a campfire on a foggy fall morning and relish the warmth it gives.
2. Monday mornings, if my children's clothes are still in the dryer, after having a weekend to be cleaned and ironed, I turn on the clothes dryer, not only to iron their uniforms, but to be able to give them to them all nice and warm and comfy; hopefully enticing them to get dressed quickly before the warmth fades away.
3. Listening to the sound of silence pierced with the rumble of buttons hitting the sides of the dryer as the clothes tumble around and around in the hot air.
4. The peace that comes from knowing that all of us showered the night before...and the morning won't be so hectic (why don't we do this every night?!)
5. This one has become a simple pleasure, but it used to torment me; waking up before the sun. Now, when I get up and outside my home is still dark as night, I feel like we are enveloped by a soft blanket and the light in our home is the warmth.

Well, there you have it, five simpleminded pleasures that I get to enjoy in the mornings when I wake before the crack of dawn. Happy Monday everyone!

Gina.

Letting Go of the Monkey

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” ― Mark Twain

There has been a 'monkey' on my back and it's been weighing me down for over four years now. This 'monkey' is not the cute Curious George type and neither is it my kids as they hang on me like I am the steel bars at a local park.

If I could put an image to this metaphorical monkey, it would be more like the baboon pictured here:

Now if that doesn't send chills down your spine, I don't know what would. Most of the time this monkey closes it's freaky mouth and hangs silently, so after four and a half years of carrying this 'monkey' around on my back, I have almost forgotten it is there. But then there were times when the 'monkey' would open wide and bellow it's unworldly screech that only I could hear in the depths of my heart. This monkey has a name, it is Resentment.

Today I took a stand against Resentment. I looked it straight in it's cold dark eyes and told it to "Go to H***!" because if I didn't, there is a very real possibility that I would go there right along with it. Jesus said we should pray "...forgive us our trespasses AS we forgive those who trespass against us." How could I expect God to forgive me for all I have done against His infinite Majesty if I could not forgive something someone has done to me...a small and insignificant part of God's creation?

 

I have allowed Resentment to hang on for so long because my weak and silly self thought that if I let it go, I would condone the wrong that has been done. The funny thing is, NO ONE EVEN CARES! The only thing that hanging on to Resentment has really accomplished is, it has weakened me and kept me from moving forward, closer to my God.

 

Today I freed myself from the 'monkey' on my back. It wasn't easy. It was like its fleshy fingers gripped tightly, unwilling to let me go. At first, I felt a loss, even loneliness. What would I cling onto now? Who would I speak of when I needed to vent about the past, again and again? My release of Resentment did not feel like a load off my shoulders like I expected it to. It felt like a void.

 

But now, there is nothing holding me back. There is nothing preventing me from spiritual growth. I will learn to fill that void with Goodness Himself and will be able to soar to higher heights and grander ideals.

 

I know, however, that having carried Resentment around for so long, I may feel it there even though we have been separated. I asked God today to help me lose the memory of my 'monkey' and, in time, I know I will.

 

May we all have the grace to forgive,

 

love, Gina.

 

'

Finding My Way

"It takes little talent to see what lies under one's nose, a good deal to know in what direction to point that organ." - W.H. Auden

I don't have a GPS gadget in my van, and God thought it would be funny to make me without my internal GPS gadget. It almost goes without saying that, if I am going somewhere, my route takes about 3-4 more turns than the average human being (it's pretty bad when you leave a store at the mall with the intention of going back the way you came, and your four-year-old is more likely to start heading in the right direction than you are).

So, before I left for Spokane, I printed out three sets of directions from Google that went; home to the hotel, hotel to Grandma's house, Grandma's house to the church.  Sometimes, even Google maps make me get lost, however, this time they were successful at getting me from point A to point B.

After waking up early at the hotel, I rounded up the kids and carted them over to their grandmother's house. They were as excited about being there as I was about not having to worry about how they were doing while I was away during the day.

Friday's schedule for the conference started with Mass at 8:15...I arrived at 8:26. After Mass was breakfast and I headed downstairs like a fish out of water. I wandered around having not the slightest idea of what to do or where to go. It never felt so good to see the familiar faces of other participating members from our parish in Tacoma.

The talks were informative and uplifting and strengthened my Catholic faith in a deep way. I met many new people that I know I will most likely see next year, and with whom I will continue to build upon the bond that is there when something as significant as faith is shared. The highlight of the event was the candlelit Rosary walk. With a statue of Our Lady of Fatima held high, the faithful lined up before and after her with candles held in a specially made wind guard that had on it the verses of the song we sang at the end of each decade of the Rosary. Most of us had to have our candles re-lit as the wind kicked up pretty hard. When the procession came to an end, we gathered in the church where the young girls proceeded to bring bouquets of flowers to Mary's shrine.

Afterward, when the evenings events were over and most people had dispersed, I knelt down before the shrine to have a heart to heart with our Blessed Mother. I don't know why, but even having been a wife and mother myself, I've always had a hard time going to our Lady in prayer as most Catholics naturally do. I have wanted to have a devotion to her, as I see the logic in going to God's Mother to ask for her loving intercession, after all, from the cross, Jesus gave her to all of us to be our own spiritual Mother, as He gave us to her.

In my prayer, I told her that if she wanted me to have a greater devotion to her, show me the way. I told her I was sorry that I didn't try harder in the past, and I asked her for a second chance. In the midst of my prayer, I felt comforted, and tears swelled in my eyes. The only other person in the church was a young nun that I didn't know very well. She was kneeling in silent prayer. After a few moments she got up from her position a few pews behind me, went up to the shrine and took a beautiful pink rose from one of the vases that were just recently filled with the fragrant buds. I wondered in my mind what she was doing, thinking she was going to place it in front of another shrine in the church. She walked toward me and asked me, "It's Gina, right?" I replied almost as a question, "Yes." "This is from Mary." she said, handing me the rose.... I was floored.

Without thinking, I said incredulously, "Why did you just say that?!"

"Because it's okay. It's going to be fine." she answered as she hugged me and walked out of the chapel. Tears flowed freely now. I was overwhelmed by the love of my Mother. I understood that she was showing me the direction to her Son, and it was through Her. I certainly don't have to give up my relationship with Jesus by having a devotion to His Mother, that relationship will grow by the guidance of the one who loved Him best.

Most likely, I will continue to get lost trying to get from Point A to Point B, but getting to the Sacred Heart of Jesus is a straight path...directly through the Immaculate Heart of His Mother.


Our Lady of Fatima, pray for us.

Road trip: 10/11/12

My day began at 2:46 am. I stumbled into the bathroom like a zombie, answered natures call, and stumbled back into bed still half asleep. Eight minutes later Cecelia found my bed in the dark and helped herself to my pillow and blankets. Usually, when this happens, I go right back to sleep, but the night of 10/11/12 my poor brain couldn't stop thinking about what I needed to do before the kids and I headed to Spokane, WA for the annual Fatima Conference at Mt. St. Michael's Church. According to the website the conference is:

"A gathering of Traditional Catholics from around the country for five days of Latin Masses, spiritual exercises, inspiring lectures and sermons, in the beautiful Pacific Northwest."

I could only attend from Friday thru Sunday, but I looked forward to getting away and attending to my spiritual needs. My mother-in-law lives in Spokane and was more than happy to have the kids with her during the day, and even offered to allow all of us to stay at her house. After an hour of thinking...not voluntarily, about everything I needed to accomplish before our departure, fed up and tired, I got up and wrote down what I felt was most important:

• put chicken in freezer
• get oil change
• laundry
• hotel room
• fruit
• put in new headlight
• lunch duty at school
• computer with cord

This was what was written on my list. Really!? I can see putting in a new headlight, but everything else definitely could have waited until morning. I went back to bed and fell right to sleep, only to wake to my 5:45 am alarm an instant later. After pressing snooze literally six times I must have finally turned it off...thinking I would get up. However, in my sleep deprived state, I fell fast asleep only to wake up an HOUR later after dreaming that my alarm was going off (even though it didn't).

No need to go into the doldrums of my busy day, but we ended up leaving at 3:45, an hour and a half later than I planned. It was a long five hours, but the setting sun enhanced the fall scenery all around us. From the golden aspens and the rocky peaks of Snoqualmie Pass, to the violet and rose background to the Columbia River Gorge, I appreciated everything I saw. We were amazed at the vast wasteland of charred acres that still smoldered with smoky hot spots from this summers wildfires. Much sooner than I anticipated darkness surrounded us. By seven o'clock, the sky was black and the stars arrived.

It wasn't all poetic. Twice we had to pull over at the most inconvenient places so several kids could use the "restroom". There are stretches of I-90 where all you see is dry brown brushy acreage...for quite sometime, no rest stops, no gas stations. Darkness became our friend at these times.

I answered the question, "How much longer?" twenty-three times, we sang about 99 Bottles of Beer...the whole song, and we repeated the song "Down to the River" seven times...in a row. The best was when Cecelia told me most profoundly, "If God is big...then God is big." So smart, that girl.

The worst was when another child told me, "Um....um.....what if.....if..if, um, the star, the stars, stars...what if the stars...um....what if......what if the stars, um... ...." I gave up at this point. It's not that this kid's a stutterer, he just doesn't think about what he wants to say, and demands everyone's attention as he tries to think of something to say. It is a painful thing to try to hang onto someone's words when they are going nowhere.

Once at the hotel where we plan on staying one night, a serious round of jumping from one bed to the other began. This is only allowed at hotels :)

As for now, I am "the best mom in the world" for letting the four of them (Sam is hunting with his uncle and cousins) eat candy, and jump on beds and watch TV while I type on the 'puter. If that's all it takes....!


Sweet Dreams,

Gina

Taking Charge...Again

In the movie "We Were Soldiers" a character asks Mel Gibson's character "Can you be a soldier and a father?" Gibson's reply was, "I believe that being good at one makes me better at the other."

I think that is starting to happen to me. I'm not a soldier in the military sense, but I am a soldier fighting the moral war that society is waging on children. Today, I put to use a discipline practice that we use at school. When the kids get in trouble they are expected to write an essay containing four major points:

1. What did I do wrong
2. Why should I not do it again
3. What rule did I break or what virtue do I need to work on, and,
4. My apology

I had one particular child who got in trouble today for not doing his work....and then throwing a major fit when he was forced to give up his recess time to complete what should have already been done. Because of the trouble he gave his teacher, I insisted he write her an apology letter that contained these four parts. He had to do this last week and I told his teacher that I wanted to know every incident where his behavior was out of line, so I could reinforce the lessons that are being taught at school.

Of course, this did not sit well with him. He dawdled, fiddle-farted and boondoggled until I informed him that he now had to write a letter to me, as well, for disobeying. That got the water works started! I sat with him and helped him with his letter to his teacher. When his jaw tightened, and his lower lip hung in floppy defiance, I took the few words he had written down and crumpled up the paper. Having been forewarned that if his attitude was bad, he would have to start over, I was forced to follow through with his consequence. Now he knew I was serious. Over time, I believe, my own lack of consistency has led my children to think that they can push me to a point where I give up and eventually ease off the consequence, but I am resolving to persevere from this point forward....again.

His handwriting had to be neat and his attitude had to be good. He got it done without further ado and without my help (but with my prompting) he began the letter to me, which went as follows:

Sorry Mom I bisodabe you and I had a bad adutood. I will work on having a good adutood, love XXXXX.

(Looks like he still needs work on his B's and D's) What this does, is make him think about not only what he did, but what he needs to do differently in the future. When he finished, he gave me a big hug, and was in the best of moods during dinner.

Later, another child was being mean to this child and was made to write him an apology letter; it went as follows:

Dear XXXXX,
I kicked you in the stomach. I won't do it again because it's not being nice. I was disobeying the rule, hands, feet and objects to myself. I am so sorry.
From, XXXXX
 

As you can see, we had a wonderful evening..... Anyway, soon homework was completed and everyone was getting along marvelously.  I am encouraged to persevere in these types of disciplines at home because I have to enforce them at school as well, and because of this, I believe that being a teacher is making me a better mom.  I saw an old teacher of mine at the school the other day and she handed me an article she had printed off from a newspaper clipping. It was about how mothers used to be in control of their children but how, nowadays, the children seem to rule the roost. I think maybe she was trying to tell me something....I'm not sure. I don't want my children to fear me...I just want to be able to give them "the look" and get an immediate shift in behavior.

 I think I'm on my way....however....last night I experienced one of those weird twilight zone moments where a memory of my childhood was reenacted only I was the parent and my children took the place I held long ago. As I was in the girls' room, reading to them on Cecelia's bed, the boys kept sneaking into the room, thinking I didn't see them. This had them thinking that they were the funniest things since sliced bread (when was sliced bread ever funny?). I yelled at them a couple times to "knock it off and get in bed!!" That didn't work. They kept sneaking in and laughing their annoying "I'm doing something naughty hahaha" laugh. After the story was over and the girls were tucked into bed for the night, I went into the boys' room and swatted each one on their behinds. They all began howling like they were about to die. I sat and stared at them thinking, "I know I didn't smack them that hard...why in the world are they crying?" Then, one by one, the fake cries turned into laughter and I sat there with my 'trying-hard-not-to-smile' mouth twitching spontaneously until it gave way to the real thing. Defeat. It tasted bad.

Cheers to life, through trials and triumphs!

Gina.

This is what I wanted to do today....before I took control. 

 

a

Lease on Life

"For we know, if our earthly house of this habitation be dissolved, that we have a building of God, a house not made with hands, eternal in heaven." - 2 Corinthians 5:1  

I'm living in a house I do not own, decorating walls that will not always carry the touches of my life.
Hammering in nails only to have to fill the hole when my tenancy has ended.

The paint is not chosen by me, nor are the tiles or hardwood floors
I can merely furnish, and polish and rearrange.

One day we will live in our forever house.
We will be content with every nook and cranny because they will be ours to keep.

But until I cross over to what belongs to me, I will cherish that which is rented
It is what gives me shelter, warmth and daily storage of all my needs.

This place we call home is not made of walls, and doors, and fixtures
It is made with love, and perseverance and fortitude.

In the house beyond the horizon, perseverance and fortitude will no longer be needed,
but love will always be.

An Apointment With THE Mountain

"There's a certain amount of risk in life. When it comes down to dying I want to know what it's like to have really lived." - Lou Whittaker.
 

Mount Rainier has a powerful grasp on my heart. I think about her every day...really. Just thinking about her brings peace and calm to my mind. On a clear day, when her rocky blue and snowy white presence is visible, I feel secure in knowing that she is close and I can visit when needed. On Saturday, I needed to.

It had been a month since the kids had been to their dad's and I longed for the serenity that comes along with silence and lack of obligation. Finally, I had one and a half days to do with as I saw fit. Having hiked up to Camp Muir the past two years, it was definitely on my summer bucket list of things I wanted to accomplish this year. However, life throws curve balls and it hadn't happened yet, so this was how I was going to spend the first day of fall.

Friday, after school let out, the kids got picked up by their dad. I kissed them each farewell and breathed a relaxing breath of freedom. After cleaning up my classroom, my house, and my backpack, I went to the movies with my sister, Emily, and then to Safeway to by light, packable food for the climb.

By the time I got home it was after 10 pm. I packed up and laid out my clothes for the hike and fell into bed knowing it may be difficult to wake up early enough to be at my parents at 7 am to meet my fellow hikers. I am fighting a head cold, but my stubborn temperament was determined not to let it get in the way of my plans.

My 5:30 alarm came awfully early. Struggling to get out of bed, I text Emily to bid her Good Morning (actually I text her to make sure she was still coming, I worried she would back out of our plans due to her own worsening cold). She, however, was already drinking her first cup of coffee and motivated me to get out of bed and make a cup of my own. Barely able to breathe out of my nose and ignoring the nagging beginning of a sore throat, I got dressed, drank my coffee while reading a book written by legendary mountaineer, Lou Whittaker (whom I met last week). This both energized me and filled me with excitement for the day ahead of us.

The climbers today would be Emily, Aaron (to my surprise due to his cold also), and Maura, a family friend that goes back to my infancy. Maura has inspired me more than she knows. Originally from Ireland, she is a healthy and active grandmother, and the neatest lady you'll ever meet. I never tire of hearing her talk and listening to stories of her adventures both near and abroad. She is a true inspiration.

I drove my trusty van, which has become the adventure bus. The way up to Paradise, on Mt. Rainier, we listened to Maura tell of her ghostly experiences and hiking with Sherpas in Kathmandu. The hour-long drive went by quickly but our anticipation morphed ever so slightly to hesitation as the fog became thicker and thicker the higher we drove. About half a mile from the parking lot, we could barely see the road. It hasn't rained in over sixty days, but my windshield wipers were needed. We figured we'd hike what we could, but not push it.

Much to our delight, no more than three minutes after we parked the van, the fog cleared and the sun shone through on the mountain. We all stood in awe of the beauty that surrounded us.

The shock of the colder air had us piling on layers of clothing, and soon we were loaded up and ready to go; but only five minutes into the hike we were shedding the layers like a dog in the summer sun. The first 100 yards of the 4.5 mile hike is oftentimes one of the most difficult parts. Not only did our lungs have to get used to thinner air, but the paved trail that leads to the rocky trail further up is just so darn steep we were all panting like we had just ran a marathon!!

Before long our bodies adjusted to the altitude enough so that our hearts calmed down and our breathing slowed. Each one of us hiked to his/her own pace. Nobody minded that although we came together, it was as though we were on a solo hike. Every now and then we'd regroup and see how everyone was doing. About half-way up to Camp Muir at Pebble Creek right before the rocky climb turned to a snowy/slushy walk straight uphill, Maura decided she had gone as far as her body would allow. She was smart to know and respect her limits.

The rest of us chugged along. We had reached the Muir Snowfield and, being late in the season, all of the clean white and packed snow was melted and what remained was slushy, dirty, and wet snow that gave way to large and small crevasses here and there. All around we could see water running in little rivulets that will eventually form crevasses if the snow doesn't start falling. When we reached the point where we could hear water flowing directly below the ice under our feet, Emily decided she didn't want to go any further. That, and having forgotten her asthma inhaler, she was feeling the effects of high altitude more than Aaron and myself were. She insisted we continue and decided to rest on the warm rocks and wait for us to return.

By this point the landscape around us was other-worldly. It looked more like something you'd imagine on the moon than anything you'd normally come in contact with on Earth. The trees were gone, all you could see was ice, craggy rock walls and snow. The mountain grade was so steep that you could not see further than the white ridge above us; and beyond that ridge awaited.....another ridge. I remember thinking to myself. "Ok, I know I'm out of shape...but I don't remember it being this far!"  When one gets up that far on the mountain, their strides become incredibly short and the pace slows way down. A technique call "rest steps" is used, and that is basically focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. It didn't help that with the snow so slushy, many steps forward slid backward half a step. We were moving in slow motion.

As slow as I felt we were going, we kept pace with a crew that was climbing to the summit of Rainier. The nine person team left minutes before us and we actually beat them up by a few minutes, so I guess, we went at an average pace. The distance between Aaron and I increased as my legs seemed to acquire a hundred pounds each. Once I reached the dirt that surrounds the actual camp. I was so tired I could barely lift one foot in front of the other. I had to call on every last ounce of energy I had to climb the stairs to the top where I collapsed on the warm rocks and laid down. My body was spent. Nothing was clear to me and I couldn't focus on anything. Lying down I could have fallen asleep right there amidst the other climbers, but I knew, if I did, I could possibly be there for quite some time. I tried to sit up to feed and water myself and as I did, I could hear Aaron snoring nearby. I woke him up and we sat in silence for awhile...too tired to speak. The thought of standing up and making it the whole way down was more than I could dare think about. After awhile, however, we knew we should be leaving and our energy slowly returned.

Less than in years past, but in several spots, the snow was cooperative enough to make great glissading chutes. We simply sit down, shove off and away we'd go!!!!

 

What took us about six hours to go up, took only about two hours to descend. We reached Paradise by 6:45 pm....exhausted beyond words. My legs felt like rubber, like at any moment they would buckle from my own weight. My clothes were damp, my toes were wet and my fingers were numb, but I never felt better. The process of climbing Camp Muir when you are out of shape and fighting a sinus infection isn't exactly what I'd call fun, but the feeling of accomplishment is so worth it.

The day was a delight to my senses....well most of them. My sense of smell was a little disapointed. There is some wild weed that grows in the mountain that gives off a disagreeable scent. It is reminiscent to the smell of stale laundry....when you've forgotten to take the wet clothes out of the washer and they end up sitting in there a couple days (come on now, I know I'm not the only one who has done this....right?). Yes, I didn't take pleasure to the mountain smells. However, after you get above a certain altitude, there are no smells...and your other senses take over. The sound of rocks or ice falling on the other side of steep ridges, the water bubbling under the snow, the cool alpine breeze on my face as I reach the top of a new ridge, the sight of the summit...so close; all these things added to the enjoyment of the day. Above all, knowing I pushed myself to my limit, and that now, my limit has expanded....

I plan on climbing Mt. Rainier, my only hesitation is my children. When I told Isabelle I plan to climb the mountain, she burst into tears, fearing I would never return. Many people have attempted it and never returned, and yet, many more have climbed it many times. How easy it is to risk your life when you have only yours to look out for, but my children came to mind many times the day I climbed to Camp Muir. There are many risks I would have taken if their little faces hadn't entered into the forefront of my conscience mind. My life holds more value now than it did in my past so I plan on exploring my mountain with caution.

There will be a time to ascend it's icy ridges and look out at the world from its crystal clear heights, but for now, the only mountain I will be climbing is the mountain of laundry that threatens to turn stale if I don't attend to it soon.

Happy Fall Everybody,

love,

Gina.

P.S. I had to add the picture of the kids and I with Lou Whittaker taken the week before at the Rainier Mountain Fest. He was an amazing climber and is the nicest guy. I asked him if he does any climbling anymore and he responded, "Til the day I die....in and out of bed!"

Whooped by Five Year Olds

The beginning is the most important part of the work. -Plato

 

School began today. I haven't anticipated a new school year this much since I was in school myself...many moons ago! This year I'm going back to school too, not to further my own education, but that of those precious souls just entering their educational journey. I am back to the drawing board with the freshest of the fresh.....Kindergarten.

I have been so busy getting ready for my first year of teaching that the readiness of my own children has suffered. True to my procrastinating self, even though I had an unexpected extra week of summer, I was cramming yesterday to get my classroom finished and food for school lunches purchased. The kids were in bed an hour and thirty minutes later than planned, I was in bed two-and-a-half hours later than desired. But I was ready. Lunches were packed, uniforms ironed and laid out, every last minute item I needed for my classroom was loaded in the van. I had never been more ready for a first day at a new job....or so I thought.

The morning went smooth. We dropped Cecelia (my only child not in school!!) off at my parent's house, and arrived at school exactly when I wanted to. I had, however, wanted to be there before any students arrived but several had beat me to it. I had a schedule written out in my planner. What I didn't plan on was how fresh these youngins would be! In my mind, I think I pictured the Kindergartners I taught last year.... at the end of the last school year. How much they learn and grow in nine months!!

I spent most of the day explaining procedures and rules, practicing coming and going in a group, showing them around the classroom and helping them find the restrooms. They were so eager to learn and dive right into the "fun" stuff. The truth is, they had fun doing pretty much everything, except going to Mass; that was pure torture! Both for them and for me. By the time Mass was over, I was exhausted, but the soothing thought of how much they will grow and learn in a matter of weeks was like aloe to my wounded expectations.

I have seven students. I am an aunt to three of them, mother to one, and most of the others I have witnessed grow from the time they were babies. They all call me Mrs. Stewart, even Isabelle, who thinks that is the most delightful thing ever. She slipped a few times and called me Mom, but I might be a little worried if she hadn't. I am amazed at both how smart they are and how green they are. One boy explained a complicated truth of our faith to me and yet needed help walking directly behind his classmate; another child already knows his multiplication tables (yes, a Kindergartner) but needs help holding his pencil correctly. I love this job! I have found my niche....actually I must give the credit to God. He has placed me where He wants me and gave me pleasure in doing His will.

Here's to a successful 2012-2013 school year!

Gina

Birthday Babblings

"My mind is literally about to blow up!!! Why won't my kids just go to sleep!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

This was my Facebook update around 8:30 pm on the 29th of August. I had spent thirty minutes putting out fires, tending to multiple and various needs and simply seething inside over the endless excuses and whiny calls coming from down the hall. I put on a movie and tried to ignore my irritation and the mom guilt that began to creep into my heart. Thirty minutes into Act of Valor (which I was very much into) I fell asleep.

I woke up sometime in the middle of the night and thought, "I should go lay down on my bed so my back won't be sore in the morning." Then I fell asleep, still on the couch.

When I woke to the sun filling the room, I got up and into the shower. Nobody else was awake, but I would have to get them up soon so we could pick up my grandmother and make it to our chiropractor appointments. As I was getting dressed in the bathroom I could hear slight whispering outside the door. It is not unusual that someone NEEDS me every time I am in the bathroom, but this was different. The whispering was very quiet and the only thing I could make out was "Shhhhhhh!" I finished dressing and opened the door.

The fabulous five were lined up in a straight row from oldest to youngest and began on cue to sing me "Happy Birthday". They each held a card that they had made for me, and rushed to hug me as the song ended. Tears literally filled my eyes. Were these the same kids I tried mercilessly to get to sleep last night?

With energetic excitement, they all led me to the kitchen where I found this along with my favorite coffee cup:

How observant they are! Everything I needed for my morning coffee ready and waiting complete with a princess crown on the lid of my instant coffee. What a great way to start my 35th year! The bad feelings we went to bed with were long gone. How forgiving they are, how accepting.

The fun continued when I arrived at my parents to drop the kids off before my appointment with the chiropractor and masseuse. My mom had made a batch of delicious banana cupcakes (my favorite). I took them with me to eat later. At 11:30 my children and I went to Mass to offer thanks for this new year of life. We were taken out to lunch afterwards by friends at the church with whom we shared the cupcakes. Good company is the greatest gift of all.

Later that day I got to spend time alone with Benjamin as we got ice cream at Menchie's. Ben won a gift certificate there back in May and I've wanted to take him on a one-on-one outing for quite awhile. Now was our chance. I enjoyed visiting with him and was grossly interested in his choice for toppings on his cake batter/peanut butter flavored ice cream: sour gummy snakes, gummy bears, Reese's Peanut Butter cups, yellow Boba balls (ew!!),Reese's pieces, and something that was in between a marshmallow and a gummy candy (double ew!!). Honestly, I felt like gagging as I watched him eat....but I think he found what he did and more importantly what he DID NOT like.  He too, was good company.

We rushed home to get ready for our friends to arrive. It was Seahawk time!! The kids were happy to have babysitters that are much more like friends, and I was happy to get away with friends of my own. Long story short...we won. The Hawks and myself.  My birthday was more than I could have asked for. I realized this as I stood on the top of a building near where we parked for the game. The sky was dark, the blue moon was out and the Seattle sky line sparkled before us.

The best advice I ever got came from my mother. When we were teenagers she told us to make sure we always treat ourselves special for our birthdays because, in life, we can't always expect someone else to do that. She taught us to take ourselves on dates; to the movies, out to lunch, to get a pedicure or go to the bookstore....whatever made us happy. Enjoy the day to the fullest and treat yourself like a queen or king.

I looked forward to doing this for myself this year as I have before, but my friends and family beat me to it. I felt surrounded by love and I wish this upon every human being on earth. Thanks to all for the Birthday wishes.

Love,

Gina.

Life Began Anew

Where was I four years ago today? I had a month under my belt of being a single mother of four children. I was still reeling from the blow of betrayal by the person I promised my life to. It was hot, humid...uncomfortable, and I was in labor. I'm not going to give the gory details of birth that women love and men hate, but I will give details of a birth.

Four years ago was the birth of new life. Yes, my baby, Cecelia was born on this day and has since filled my life with constant joy. But I am also talking about the birth of a new life for our family.

The days leading up to Cecelia's birth I was busy with the daily activity of raising four very young children (Samuel had just turned 6 when Cecelia was born) and, while excited for her to come, I wasn't exactly counting down the days because I was still getting our house settled from our move from Reno. All of this was good because it kept me from dwelling on emotions that had the ability to destroy me.

Outwardly, I had it under control...at least I thought I did. Inwardly, I was hurting beyond what I thought was humanly possible. Along with the hurt were feelings of anger, resentment, fear and shame. I was ashamed of what people might think when they'd see a woman with four young kids and a very pregnant belly, but no husband. I was ashamed that I couldn't do more to save my marriage. I was ashamed that my daughter would be born into a household with only one parent.

Those feelings, like the icy Arctic snow, began the slow melting process with Cecelia's summer arrival.

My mother and sisters were my support system. Emily was there with me everyday, to help with the kids, the house, the bills. Tina was there for loving advice and absolutely everything else, and my mom was there to encourage me and help rebuild confidence in myself. It was them that surrounded me at the hospital four years ago.

By the time I called Tina to come and take me to the hospital, she was already on her way. Shortly after us came Emily and my mother. They accompanied me to my room and they welcomed Cecelia into this world. The moment I saw her nothing else mattered. It was her that got me through the next day, the next week, and the next year...until my confidence and self-worth began to come from within once more. God knew I needed her and he gave her the most loving disposition.

By the time my other kids were four, I considered them 'big kids' because there was always at least one that was younger...more needy, but tonight I told Cecelia before she went to sleep, "No matter how old you get, you will always be my baby".  She likes it that way. Of course, I say that to all my kids, but it is especially true with her.

It's hard not to have confidence when you have someone telling you a dozen times a day, "You're so pretty, mom, I love you," even when the bags under my eyes could carry my groceries and my two-days-past-it's-prime hair is out of control. You're so pretty too, baby girl, I love you!

Happy 4th Birthday, Cecelia.

love, mom.

Another Confession of a Single Mom

So thanks to my mother-in-law, the kids get to be with their dad for 12 consecutive days. It is a good thing. Their father wants to be with them and they have fun while they are there... not to mention Grandma spoils the heck out of them.  However, this is the longest time I have gone without kids in over 10 years!!

***Long dramatic pause***

Ten years. Twelve days. Just me. What to do?

Well, I must say, I have been looking forward to this week and a half for quite some time now. I had great plans. Here is how my plans began, and how they are looking now:



Plan A - Every thought of mine was consumed with the idea of going on a solo backpacking trip on the Wonderland Trail which circles the base of Mt. Rainier and traverses over 90 miles of alpine meadows, glacial views and promised lakeside camping. I was going to quit working my current job, and spend at least nine of my twelve days in the wilderness.

Dose of Reality #1 - I should have reserved my itinerary last year. Plus I got in a rear-end accident a few weeks ago and now my back wouldn't put up with a 40-pound pack for more than 40 seconds. Plus, I can't afford to quit yet, although that is still somewhat in my plans since my teaching job is looming in the very near future.

Plan B - Work only Tuesday through Thursday the first week the kids are gone, then quit so I can go on various day trips and continue checking off my summer bucket list.

Dose of Reality #2 - A very dear family friend passed away, and I need to rearrange my work schedule to attend his funeral in Spokane, WA. This goes without question. I wouldn't miss being a bit of moral support to some of the best friends life has to offer for anything in the world.

Plan C - So now my plans are to work Monday, be in Spokane Tuesday and Wednesday, work Thursday and possibly Friday. Then I will be done working and can use the final days before the kids get home to get my classroom fully prepared for the upcoming school year.

Dose of Reality #3 - I'm all growed up.

So here is the confession, as mentioned in this post's title:

As a single mother of five children people often ask me, "How do you do it?" "Well, I just do it" is what I usually respond, what else can I say. Well, I could say what I am often really thinking, which is; I don't do it. It often does me. There are times when all I want to do is sit down with my head in my hands and cry. Sometimes I feel like I am living in a world made up of six people and five of them are against me. There are days when I want to revert to being the child and flop myself on the ground and pump my fist against the floor, screaming, until everyone does what I want them to do.

However, there are also days when I feel like we are a force to be reckoned with, six against the world, with God on our side.

The kids have been gone for three days now. What have I done? I spent Friday cleaning the house and the evening was spent with friends.  Saturday, I ran a 5K race sponsored by 4US (http://4us.org/), an awesome organization that is striving to make ultra sounds free for pregnant women who are considering abortion and also to provide free counseling with hopes that women will make better choices for themselves and their babies. After that I went home and crashed on the couch. Crashed hard! I am almost ashamed to admit that I took a four hour long nap, watched a movie and went to bed.

Today, I was home. Home in my silent house. This is what I longed for, right? Peace and quiet. A mother's intangible, often elusive treasure. Well it was right there, all around me....and I hadn't a clue what to do with it. I actually found myself standing in my living room looking around not knowing what to do. I found myself missing....dare I say it....chaos. No, not chaos, so much, as the company of the other five souls that make this house a home.

One of my favorite truths is this: Our bodies do not have souls, our souls have bodies. I am making the most of my time alone, being the only body in this house is peaceful. But being the only soul in this house is lonely.

Happy Summer,

with love,

Gina.

Facing the Early July Blues

"Trouble is part of your life. If you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough."  Dinah Shore

My children just got back from a five day vacation over the Fourth of July weekend spent with their dad. I had a lot I wanted to accomplish in those five days even though I had to work three of them. But, as I am well familiar with, the best laid plans are never set in stone.

I enjoyed my holiday at the Tacoma Freedom Fair eating delicious food down by the waterfront on Ruston Way. The atmosphere was upbeat, and the firework show over the water was brilliant! On the surface and even so deep as my conscience thoughts go, I was doing well. Surrounded by great friends, I was smiling. I missed my kids but at the same time, I was happy knowing I wouldn't lose them in the crowd this year (as I did last year!) That was Wednesday.

Thursday I woke up, worked, took myself to the bookstore, met my sister and my mom and dad (who had just returned from a long road trip) at El Toro Mexican restaurant. I was excited to hear all about their adventures that took them from Glacier National Park to Yellowstone National Park to visit my brothers in North Dakota, to Custer's Last Stand and to many more exciting and beautiful gems our great country possesses. Both days, I was surrounded by the people I love....so why did I feel completely alone? I was stress-free, so why was I completely unsettled?

Friday, I spent half the day sleeping and the other half wondering what was on my mind that was causing me to feel that at any moment I could burst into tears. In the afternoon, I went on a motorcycle ride with a dear friend. We stopped for dinner in Orting, WA and walked along the Puyallup River. I had a great time, but still, a nagging unease settled into my heart. I couldn't put it into cohesive thoughts in my own brain, much less try to explain it to someone else, so I stuffed it as far into my subconscious as my conscience would allow, or maybe it was the other way around, I'm not sure. I skipped my Turbo Jam workout that night and went to bed early.

Saturday the 'unease' had reached it's boiling point. It was going to be a productive day of running errands, and getting stuff accomplished and ready for the kids to return on Sunday. Like I've said, best laid plans.....

I picked up my 'Nana' to take her with me on my monthly Costco shopping trip, we took her car because she wanted to get the ding in her windshield fixed (the one that occurred while I was borrowing her car while waiting for mine to get out of the shop this week). On the way, I remembered it was my client's birthday and I wanted to drop off some flowers and a card for her. A quick stop at Safeway and a slight detour seemed to have made her day. So we were off to repair the window. A long story short, we got rear-ended, the importance of fixing the windshield became non-existent, we never made it to any of our planned destinations but despite some slight soreness and stiffness in our backs we thanked God we were okay. We headed back to Nana's house and after getting everything squared away with the insurance company I headed home to take a nap.

The problem was, there was a pit in my stomach that left me with the feeling that something ominous was just around the corner. I was restless, and scared and incredibly sad. I thought hard about why I was feeling like this, but I came up clueless. I figured the accident just gave me a bit of a shock and so I tried to brush it off. In a few hours I would be heading over to friends for a bonfire, food and good company. I looked forward to it, and yet part of me just wanted to sleep....for a really long time.

I forced myself to gather some things and leave the house. Tears swelled in my eyes as I drove the ten minute route that was so familiar I could have done it with my eyes closed (providing there was no traffic). I turned on the radio, but every song... a source of sadness. Within a block, I was trying to clear my sunglasses of a tear-induced fog. What was wrong with me!!?? "I really need to buck up and put myself back together so I won't be such a downer tonight," was all I could think about. I hate having people see me cry, but I realized by the time tears start flowing, they don't stop by choice. A river overflowing it's flood banks cannot be willed to recede unless the root of the problem is fixed. With me, I didn't know what the root of my problem was. How was I going to explain this to my dearest friends when I couldn't explain it to myself?

What I didn't realize at the time, was I didn't have to explain it to my friends. Only Aaron was home when I arrived, tear stained and red-eyed. I tried to act normal and upbeat, but my wall came tumbling down the second he said "How's it goin?" The floodgates were open. There was no going back. My plan to shove it all within me and ignore everything fell to pieces within seconds. Thankfully so. Through the veil of my tears, I managed to help get a fire going in the backyard, and once accomplished we sat down to talk. What I've been racking my brain to pinpoint for the past four days, Aaron did in a matter of minutes.

He pointed out to me that it was this time of year, (four years and six days to be exact), that I was forced to leave the life I'd planned for myself and my family and move my four young children and my pregnant self back to WA state to be near loved ones.....yet without my husband, their father. It was the time of year that my subconscious remembers as being a time of tremendous sorrow and heartbreak. The hot sun, the 4th of July, the smell of barbecues and campfires...all these things I love and look forward to; they are all filed together in my mind with memories of a very difficult time.

This realization was a breath of fresh air! I knew the reason, but still couldn't control the sad way my soul was struggling to deal with memories that I had stuffed into the attic of my subconscious. Emily arrived soon, and after her, my cousin, Jason. Together, these three helped me forget, if only for a short time, the mental burden I was carrying around. We drank, we talked (mostly about our kids, funny how that is) we laughed. My burden was lighter that night, carried not just by me, but with help from those who love me....and it was bearable.

After Mass, the next morning, I spoke to my priest about what was going on. My kids would be home this day and I really needed to be my best self for their sake. He helped me clarify the nature of depression and healthy ways to deal with it; but more than that, he offered encouraging words and gave me hope for getting through this time without burying my thoughts and dealing with them alone.

When I open myself up to the wonderful people God has put in my life, I am amazed at how much love I feel. Instead of making me feel like a burden of a person drowning others in my misery, these people have lifted me up and given me hope in a brighter day that is just around the corner. Life is good, even when life is hard...cherish every moment.

Love to all,

Gina.

Note: I struggled with whether or not to write about this because it is a rather personal matter. But the reason I am doing so, is because my blog, although shared publicly, was originally meant as a memoir for myself and my children in the years to come. Even then, I wavered. Then the thought occurred to me that maybe there is someone out there who can recognize something of themselves in the words herein and gain a general feeling of consolation. That is my hope.

A New Wardrobe and a New Perspective

Getting in an accident back in November of 2011 finally paid off.

I've been looking at my kids shoes lately, especially Ben's, and can't seem to wrap my mind around why his toes are sticking out of his sneakers! It's not like he doesn't get new shoes a couple times a year, and, seriously, who walks on the top of their toes?!!! I'm not talking about walking on tip toes, I'm talking about the part of the toe that actually grows hair!!! I couldn't take it anymore.

It was a rainy afternoon and the kids seemed cooped up with extra energy as they waited for their dad to pick them up for the weekend. They still had a couple of hours to wait so I decided to take them to Old Navy and try a little experiment. Yes, a certain amount of fear set in with the thought of taking five children clothes shopping all at once, but I was able to push that aside. I wanted to let each of them pick out their own clothes, whatever they wanted, because I realized I've never really allowed them to choose their own style.

When we entered the store, I think we all felt like we were in uncharted territory. This is just not something I do with them! Any clothes shopping gets done by me alone, when I can get away by myself, and then it only happens out of necessity since it's really not one my favorite things to do.
I had two rules that I refused to bend on, even if it contradicted my kids' choices: No clothes for the girls that would be too tight, too short, or too skimpy, and no shoes that had cartoon characters on them (the first rule is for modesty, the second is just a pet peeve of mine).

When we arrived at the children's clothing section, I set the boys loose and told them to go find some clothes that they liked. They looked at me like I was joking, like I would pull back the reins if they actually did that. Slowly they started wandering around but they couldn't even decide where to start. "How about some shorts?" I said trying to get them started. Benjamin immediately picked up what I considered the least desirable pair in the store. They were camouflage green and bright orange exercise-like shorts that felt like they were made of spandex. It took every ounce of willpower not to try to persuade him to find something else. He seemed quite satisfied though, so I said nothing. I told him to find a shirt to wear with the shorts. He couldn't decide so I suggested a green one that would tone down the loudness of the shorts, "But it's just plain green!" was his reply. "How about this one?" I said holding up a white shirt with bright green sleeves. He didn't look the least bit interested. Then he reminded me why I usually pick out their clothes, he picked up a black shirt with all the Angry Birds on it. The shirt didn't have a single color in it that matched his shorts, but it would look fine with jeans so I led him over to the jeans....he wanted black ones.

Hunter and Samuel took awhile picking out T-shirts, and I had to prompt them to look at jeans and shorts as well. Finally Samuel decided on some clothes quite similar to something I would actually pick out for him, and Hunter chose the same shirt and shorts. I told them to get some jeans as well. "Mom, how do you think skinny jeans would look on me?" Hunter said to me in all seriousness. I tried to dissuade him because skinny jeans are not my thing, and his legs are...how can I put this, SKINNY!! But he seemed to have his heart set on them, so I told him to try them on.

With the boys' satisfied with their choices, we headed over to the girls' department. I told the girls the same thing, "Go, find the clothes you want". Cecelia took that to heart and darted straight to the frilliest, ruffliest shirt I'd ever seen. The problem was she thought it was a dress because it was meant for older girls. I felt bad to tell her no, because she seemed to be eyeing the shirt the whole time the boys were shopping. It didn't dampen her mood though and she ran from rack to rack finding what she wanted and holding the item up to the front of herself, she'd ask, "Does this fit me?" It was fun watching her and she had all of us (and a few on-lookers) laughing. Isabelle was pretty laid back and easy going, which was a surprise to me. She immediately wanted a purple shirt with Spiderman on the front, but after that she actually wanted my help.

Finally it was time for the six of us to hit the fitting rooms. We found a handicap one that fit all of us at one time (I figured having to try on multiple outfits on five kids was a handicap). The clothes started flying in all directions as the old ones came off and the new ones went on. Hunter's "skinny" jeans didn't even fit him like skinny jeans and he was quite satisfied with them....so was I. Ben's crazy shorts hung down to his ankles and couldn't be cinched so they kept falling to the floor even though they were an extra small. (I smiled a secret inward happy smile over this while trying to act disappointed for him) Later he picked out a cute pair of colorful plaid shorts that although his choice, I was very happy about. Cecelia ended up choosing a black and white summer dress, a shirt with purple and gray paisleys in it and a skirt that just screams "CECELIA". It was like a silver tutu with ruffles that never end.

As we headed to the checkout line I realized Ben's shoe problem wasn't solved so we hurried back to the back of the store and he tried on a pair of gray canvas sneakers with the brightest orange laces I'd ever seen. He loved them, so we bought them too.

Up to this point we were having fun and everyone was behaving wonderfully. Then we entered the maze from hell that Old Navy makes you walk through in order to reach the checkout counters. The maze is lined with cheap trinkets and candy and gum and all sorts of things kids think they simply cannot live without. I was suddenly bombarded with an onslaught of whiny "Pleases, and why nots". I felt like I was shooting 'Thanks-a-lot' darts with my eyes at the workers. I made it through, however, without giving in, not even with Hunter's promises to 'pay me back'.

It felt good buying all my kids clothes to their liking. It was a rare treat, not only for them, but for me as well. I got a little insight into their personalities, and some of their likes and dislikes really surprised me.

I thank God that none of us were seriously hurt in the accident that occurred last fall on Isabelle's birthday....but in a strange way, I also thank God that it happened.

Lovin' life,

Gina.